Hey guys, welcome back to the podcast. Today's episode is inspired by some coaching that I did in my mastermind. And that happened a lot where I'm like, Ooh, that's a good idea. I'm going to teach this, which is funny because sometimes I coach people, especially when you're new in business, I feel like coming up with content is hard because you're not having conversations as often as you will when you have groups and clients and stuff.
And so now I have like content ideas all the time, which is awesome. And I didn't start that way. And so I wanted to just put that out there. If you struggle to make content, like it gets easier as you fill your calendar with conversations where you're like, Oh, there's an idea. There's a concept. That's how I could teach this. That's the wording. And so today's wording, I'm calling the highest level yes, because I coach a lot of people pleasers because I historically have struggled with people pleasing.
And I had to do a lot of work to let go of that and truly like confront some stuff inside of myself about why people pleased what I got from people pleasing my fear about letting people down. We're going to talk about all of that. But this concept, the highest level, yes, came in the context of telling people no. And this includes business. This includes friendships. This includes opportunities, right? Family members, friends, clients, you name it, your children. And I'll share some examples. But this concept of what is the highest level?
Yes, in this scenario is not an all encompassing concept. And so what we're going to talk about today is that context for highest level yeses. And so the client that I was coaching, she has a hard time saying no to friends, no to opportunities for social events. And I'm laughing, but I really have no judgment at all because I've been there and you probably have, too. All right. This desire to tell people yes to be included, to not have FOMO, to not make anyone feel bad.
And this is what I challenge her to think about. And this is what prompted the podcast is like, what is my highest level? Yes, in this moment. So I'm going to give you a scenario where I first started playing around with this concept, and that was writing my book. So a few months ago, I wrote the book Quiet Wealth, which you can get on Amazon. Shameless plug. And when I was writing Quiet Wealth, I did more extreme efforting than I usually do. I mean, what that means for me is like I was working at night. I was waking up early on Saturday morning and writing.
I took an afternoon where my husband took the girls and I wrote instead of hanging out with my family, which is not a normal choice for me. Usually I choose to hang out with my family. I work twenty five ish hours a week. And so I say no to a lot of overworking. I don't overwork. And so for me to do this in a sprint, right, was not my norm, but I did it because it was my highest level. Yes. Alternatively, in the past, I have also told clients no or did not get things done and work because my highest level.
Yes, was actually to be with my girls. And so you can see it is all contextual. The highest level. Yes, requires your own discernment. It requires you to know what your values are and you have to get comfortable knowing what you really want to have happen. And so when I was in the sprint of writing my book, what I really wanted to have happen was a completed book that was published on Amazon so that I could be on Rich Litvin's emailing list. That's why I wrote it so fast and so intensely was because there was this looming deadline that I wanted to get my book published so that I could get, quote, the reward of having my book on Rich Litvin's email list, because the highest level. Yes, was like, this is a great opportunity for my business.
This will set me up for future opportunities and people and ideas and rooms for my business so that I could increase my financial abundance, increase my network, increased my exposure and my visibility, all great things. And it was worth my yes in this season, which means right. So this is the alternative. Every high level. Yes, requires a no. And this is the hard part to have a high level. Yes. You also need to have a high level. No. And this is really, really difficult for people with patterns of people pleasing because you don't want to tell people no.
You don't want to tell yourself no. So we're going to go through some concepts to really bring this to life, because that was my journey for sure. I didn't want to say no. So I'll give you an example. In the early days of my business, I couldn't hang out with my husband sometimes. Well, I say couldn't. I chose not to hang out with my husband at night sometimes so that I could learn how to build my website, so that I could learn email marketing, so that I could learn building an offer, so that I could learn how to write posts on social media, so that I could learn how to blog. There's a lot of skills that I was deficit in.
And so I said no to watching a TV show, but I said yes to building my dream. I knew that that was not a forever decision. I did not want to stop hanging out with my husband indefinitely. And I still do this sometimes. If I'm in a season where I'm building something, or I have a deadline, or there's a big project, or a masterclass, or a course that I'm launching, or something like that, sometimes I need to work at night because I need to work more than the 25 hours I have with my nanny. And my highest level yes is I'm not going to do that with my girls interrupting me with my girls home from school, and so I do it when they're asleep.
Which means my highest level yes is no to hanging out with Wesley, yes to the podcast or recording a video or whatever. That being said, that's not always my highest level yes, right? Most of the time my highest level yes is I'm done it with work, my girls come home from school, we have family time or kids activities, they go to bed, and then I hang out and snuggle Mr. Smith, right? And that's usually my highest level yes. But sometimes that becomes a no so that I can say yes to dreams from the business.
And so there is this aspect of discernment in seasons. Knowing what season you're in, knowing what you want to have happen changes your highest level yes. And so this is what I was challenging my client to think through, is like if you need to tell your friend no so that you can have your highest level yes being honoring the work schedule that you set for yourself earlier this week, you need to be willing to be disappointing to people. And so this is the other fallacy that I know for me, was that I can only tell people no if I have a legit reason.
And I put that in quotes. A legit reason looks like, oh sorry, I have to take my kid to the doctor, right? It's like I can only tell my friend no if I have a legitimate reason for saying no. My legitimate reason cannot be that I don't want to be there. That's a lie. Your legitimate reason is whatever you want to say yes to and whatever you want to say no to, regardless of people's feelings. And this is really harsh. So I'll give you another example. My aunt called me, this was months and months ago, maybe even a year ago, and I didn't answer. I often don't.
I actually, my default is not answering the phone, right? When my family call, when friends call, I don't answer. That's my default. And I've learned that because I protect my time. Because my highest level yes is my time. That means when I give you my time, it truly is a high level yes for me to give you my time. You don't have to worry about me being distracted. You don't have to worry about me secretly resenting you. Like it's a true yes, I want to talk to you. And so my aunt called me, I didn't answer, she left me a voicemail. I texted her hours later and was like, hey, got your voicemail. Here's my response, right?
And she responded back, was like, can we chat sometime on the phone? And this is where I got confronted with integrity, which is another part of the highest level yes, right? I wanted to tell her I had a legit reason for not calling her, like a legit reason, right? In quotes, a legit reason, like, you know, I have an appointment or my kids are busy or I'm so busy at work. But the truth is I'm not that busy at work, right? I work 25 hours a week. The truth is I have pockets of time I could call her. The truth is I didn't want to, that I wasn't available for a chit chat during the work week.
I would rather read a book. I'd rather go on a walk. I would rather spend time with my kids. I would rather watch a movie with Wesley. I would rather go on a date. I would rather meditate. I would rather work. And that was really hard for me to confront. And I didn't say all these things to her. It's not like I bombarded her with, you're not important. I have other things. It's just like, I'm not available for that this week, but I would, you know, hopefully in the future, there will be a time where I'm available for a conversation like that.
For now, texting is the best way to handle this conversation because my highest level yes was other things. And that's probably uncomfortable for some of you to grapple with, especially if you have a history of people pleasing. But what that did for me, one, it solidified that I know what I want and what I want is worthy of me telling people, no, very hard for my brain and my heart. I'm not going to lie. But it was actually in integrity because what was true for me is that I didn't want to have the conversation. And that was hard for me to confront. Right.
I know she wanted me to have the conversation and I didn't. And so I had to be honest about that with myself. Right. There's this level of integrity and honesty that can be painful. But this is what I found. The more impeccable you become with your word, the more power your word has. And it becomes like this energy leak situation. And what I mean by that is if I told my aunt, yes, let's have this conversation. But what I really wanted to do was tell her, no, I'm out of integrity with myself. Right.
I'm not being honest about what I really want and I'm not speaking what I really want. And my words lose power. And so if I want my words to have power, that means I need to be impeccable with my word, including telling people when it's not a yes, even if it doesn't line up with how they see me, even if it doesn't line up with things I said yes to in the past. And what's interesting about this is the clearer I get about my highest level yeses, the more I get my highest level yeses. It's like I'm living a life that I know is unrelatable to many of my family members, many of my friends, many people who observe me. But it's because I'm willing to have hard conversations with myself first and with others, including Wesley. Right.
Including family members. It's like that's not my highest level. Yes. So it has to be a no. Now, that being said, I don't have to explain this. It's not like I'm like, sit down. Let me tell you about my highest level yes process. It's not like that. But it does look like disappointing other people. Does look like not being available sometimes. It does look like being willing to be misunderstood, being willing to tell people no. And this is what's interesting as I've coached hundreds of women now.
We have such a fear of disappointing other people because we don't know how to hold our own disappointment. And what's interesting is I have been willing to walk with my own disappointment, asking for something that I don't get, putting something on my vision board that doesn't come true, asking for a sale where they tell me no. Right. Willing to risk my disappointment has actually freed me to know, like, I'm fine walking with my disappointment over time. I'm not afraid of being disappointed.
I'm not afraid of getting told no, because I know the game is actually infinite. I'll just keep going. It's like, oh, that's okay that you're a no. There's someone else that's a better fit. It's okay that I didn't hit my goal this month. I have infinite months in my future to hit my goal by being willing to be disappointed myself. I am not afraid of other people's disappointment. It's okay if my daughter is disappointed. Mom, I want to go here. No, we can't go there today. Sorry, honey. And her disappointment. It's not that it doesn't affect me because it does affect me.
I don't want to be disappointed, but it also doesn't dictate my behavior as a parent. Right. Mom, I want to do this. Not today. And letting her sit with her disappointment instead of micro lying. Right. And micro lying and parenting sounds like maybe we'll see. And I used to do that a lot. Maybe we'll see. But I knew the answer was no. Right. Like, Mom, can we go to Fat Cats, which is like an arcade close to our house? Can we go to Fat Cats? Maybe we'll see was a lie. And I knew it. And what's interesting about this, the less tolerance you give yourself to lying, right, the more truth telling becomes available and the more your words have power.
So instead of telling my daughters, maybe we'll see, I look at them and I say, not today. And they're sad and they're disappointed and I give them a hug. Right. And I don't lie and say maybe when I know that it's a and I can do this with my friends. I can do this with my clients. I can do this with Wesley. I can do this with everyone. It's not easy. I'm not saying like I'm just like masterful person, but I wanted to offer it to you at what's available because when I tell them no, a higher level, yes, becomes available.
If I know what's best for me and what's best for our family is eating dinner at home, going to bed early, right, instead of going out or whatever. And I say, no, we're not going to Fat Cats because I'm choosing a higher level. Yes, for me and the family. And this is really hard for women, especially for me and the family. I am included in what I need. I do not sacrifice my needs so that at the expense of myself that my kids can be happy. I believe we can have it all. Right. So I believe I can get what I want and my kids can get what I want.
We'll go to Fat Cats on a day where I have the energy. We'll go to Fat Cats on a day where I don't need to go to bed early. We'll go to Fat Cats on a day when they don't need to go to bed early. Right. So I'm teaching my girls how to have a high level. Yes, I am choosing my high level. Yes. I give my clients permission to choose their highest level. Yes, which means that I create space for authenticity and truth telling about what they really want, which means you also have to be clear about what you don't want and let other people experience that, however they're going to experience that. You may listen to this over and over again.
Like this was a huge concept for me as I learned to tell people no, as I learned to go for what I really want. I have a friend group that's amazing and it's so interesting to me because we all have very high level yeses. And so sometimes it's like we leave for dinner and we're checking in with each other. Is this going to happen? And sometimes it's like, nope, I need to spend time with my husband. No apology, no explanation other than like, I'm going to spend time with my husband like you guys have fun. And there is no resentment.
There is no weird feelings like we choose a very high level yes in our dinner group, which I appreciate. My clients have a high level yes, so that when they say yes to working with me, it's a high level yes. They don't feel coerced or manipulated. Right. Because we're clear. Is this a yes or no? As you develop this within yourself, right, like your word starts to really matter. And I've cleaned up how I use my language, what I say yes to, what I say no to. I notice I can't lie to people. So if I don't want to have the phone call, I don't.
If I don't want to go to a restaurant that my husband wants to go to, I tell him even if he's really excited. And this is where it gets tricky. Right. So my client kind of sparked this whole discussion about your highest level. Yes. It is hard when people really want something from you, especially our kids, but also friends and clients. Right. Like they really want you to say yes. And you can tell that's probably the hardest and most tempting time to just give in and people please.
But this work will strengthen your relationship with yourself and your desires and your worthiness to receive what you really want. So many women are taught to settle for like what they think they can have versus being clear and explicit and even a little bit demanding of what they want. The thing is, we're not taught this. It's not really modeled. It's very difficult in our world of people pleasing and micro lies to stand in your truth and say, this is what I want and I know I can have it. And letting people's response and experience of you choosing what you want be, whatever it's going to be. Right. If they're disappointed, they're disappointed.
If they're mad, they're mad. If they're sad, they're sad. If they're mad at you, that's okay. Right. So my girls get mad at me or sad at me for saying, no, I'm okay with that. Doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. Like, it's not like I'm happy that they're sad, but I also stand firm in my decision and I give them a big hug and we can talk about it. And like, it's so interesting because then we get to have this meta conversation. Right. My kids feel safe enough to tell me they're mad at me. They're sad. They're frustrated. And I can hear that without making them wrong.
We just have a great conversation about, yeah, it kind of sucks to not get what you want sometimes, huh? But you're going to be okay. We'll have a different day where we can go do that. It's just not today. And it doesn't mean that I'm mad at them and they're not. I mean, they might be mad at me for a minute, but they really just want to talk about their feelings and process with me.
And by holding my ground from a place of detachment and neutrality and love and openness and honestly, like I'm trying to think of like stability, like I feel like unshakable, like I know what I want and I'm willing to express it and I'm willing to ask for what I want and I'm willing to ask and not get it. And that gives me a lot of power in my relationships because I know what it's like to ask and not get something. And I'm okay. Therefore, I believe that you will be okay, too, if I don't give you this.
This work for entrepreneurship has been next level for me as a woman because we're not really taught how to go for what we want without justification or over explaining or managing everyone's feelings around us. It's not that we are indifferent. It's not that we are heartless. It's just like we know that what we want matters, period. Therefore, what you want matters, too. Sometimes it lines up and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes we're going to the same place and it's a very high level. Yes.
So the example that I'll give, let's use like me going to a restaurant that Wesley really wants to go to when it truly is a yes for me. It is so exciting and expansive for us both to get what we want because it's true. It's real. I'm not lying. It's a very different experience to say, oh, yeah, like you want to go to this restaurant like that's fine, like that's cool, instead of me telling the truth. Right. Those micro lies like lessen the experience of joy even because then you don't even know what's real for yourself. You don't even know what you really want.
That was my experience, at least. Like I had been so accustomed to chameleon behavior. I would chameleon myself around people so that whatever they wanted was fine with me. I was chill. I was easygoing, but I lost what I really wanted along the way where I didn't even know what I really wanted. And I talked to a lot of women who fall in this category where it's like it's been so long since they've checked in with themselves about what they really want. They don't even know anymore. They don't know what their favorite food is.
They don't know what they would do in their free time. They don't know how they would like to spend their evenings with their family. They don't know how much money they want to make. They don't know how many hours they want to work. They don't know what kind of profession they want. Like this is real. And so it starts in the micro moments of like, what do I really want? What is my highest level? Yes. Because this is the other impact. Right.
So like when my daughter asks me, Mom, will you play with me? And I say not right now. And she's uncomfortable and sad. And I hold that. I'm like, I get it. I know you want to play. I need to finish this thing or I need to finish the dishes or I'm making dinner or whatever. Then I get to check in with myself. Like what would I really like? I would like to play with her. How would I like to play with her? I don't want to play Barbies, but I would be open to riding bikes together or I would be open to playing hide and seek in our backyard.
And so then I get to say, what about hide and seek after I'm done doing the dishes? And that's a high level yes for me because I actually want to do it. I want to spend time with my kid. I want to create memories. I want to be present. But if I am not honest about what I want, I'll do something out of resentment or guilt. And that is not the highest yes available for me. Doing something out of guilt or obligation is not a high level yes to me anymore. Doing things because I genuinely want to or this is an expression of who I am being is my highest level yes.
So when I choose to play, when I choose to be present, even if it's not something that I'm in love with, like hide and seek is a great example. I don't love hide and seek, but it's something that when I do it, I enjoy it. And it's being who I want to be, which is a present, fun, playful mom. So that is a high level yes for me, even if it's not like my favorite thing in the world. And so your highest level yeses can also be an expression of who you really are. It doesn't mean that you never sacrifice for someone.
It doesn't mean you never say yes when it's maybe not your favorite thing in the world. It could be that your highest level yes is an expression of who you really are, which is selfless, which is service, which is fun, whatever it might mean in the context, parenting, business, marriage, service in your community or your church or whatever. But it's a very conscious process. It is not default and it is not you're just like always saying yes.
And you'll know the difference, especially you can't listen to a podcast like this and not be different after because now you're going to be aware of every yes and every no. Is this a high level yes or is this a default yes? Is this a true yes or is this me people pleasing? And you will feel the difference in your body. A high level yes feels open and expansive and emanating energy outward, right? It feels warm, it feels encompassing, it feels calming and grounded.
A low level yes, an obligation yes, a people pleasing yes feels constricted if maybe your throat gets tight. Maybe you feel a little sick to your stomach. Maybe you feel it's like compulsive, like you just have to say yes. And knowing the differences in your own body is everything because I believe you have a lot of wisdom when you slow down and check in with yourself. This is what's interesting too. As you do this, you get to know yourself and what you really want on a whole new level.
You get clear about what's true for you. You get clear about what you really want to be up to with your life. You get clear about the clients you want to work with. You get clear about the way you want to spend your time. You get clear about how you want to run your business. I mean, so much clarity comes just by doing these exercises of checking in. Is this a true high-level yes or not? And what's interesting is it unlocks and frees the people around you to say yes to what they really want to. I see this with my girls, right?
And we'll talk about the nuance of parenting because I can hear the questions like, what if your kids don't want to do tours or they refuse to go to bed? And that's their highest level yes. We're going to talk about that. But I've seen this in other ways where it's like they go for what they really want and they can express it. They can ask for what they really want, which is something I wish I knew when I was eight. I couldn't decipher between what I wanted and what my parents wanted.
I couldn't decipher between what my friends wanted and what I wanted. It was like all blurred. It's like, oh, you want that? I'll do it. If it'll make you happy, that makes sense to me. I'll do it. And I always outsourced my decisions based on the perception and the experience of other people, not the perception and experience of myself. And I had a huge energy leak. I was always saving, I was rescuing, I was codependent.
And so part of my work as an entrepreneur, as someone who's healing from codependency and people pleasing, is knowing what I want, going for what I want, and being clear about my energetic boundaries, right? So that other people could have energetic boundaries. And so I don't burn out from clients because I'm not people pleasing. I don't burn out when I serve because I know what I want and I take care of what I want and I create what I want. And so I empower those around me to do the same.
Now let's circle back to something that I kind of planted with the parenting. So that being said, doesn't mean there's not boundaries in my life, right? So like, if it's bedtime, it's bedtime. I'm not going to like listen to my kids' highest level yes, right? Or like if a client is like, my highest level yes is blank. It's like, that's great. I can still have boundaries about other people, how they treat me, etc. Just like they are allowed to have boundaries with me. They are allowed to tell me no. They're allowed to say, this is what I want and I'm allowed to say what I want. And there might be a place where we come together and there might not be.
In parenting relationships, it's like, yeah, you can want to stay up late, but it's bedtime. Let's go to sleep because this is for the highest good of all. So there's this element of highest level yes, highest good of all. When I'm responsible for my kids, right, like my yes trumps their desire to stay up late, right? Like my yes is it's bedtime. It's time to go to sleep. And I just want to add that in case you're like, but what if my kids, you know, how do I manage their yes when it's different than mine? And of course, in adult relationships, you can have meta-communication, right?
Where you can talk about your high level yes, their high level yes. Is there any way we can meet in the middle? Is this something that you're going to do alone? Is this something that we're going to try to do together? How can we problem solve, brainstorm, co-create? That's what's available in healthy, mature adult relationships when you're honest about what you want and you're willing to have hard conversations and you're willing to talk about things like magic can happen.
I know it's happened in my marriage and for sure it's happened in my business just because I was willing to be honest with myself. Here's the last thing that I'll say as I wrap up this episode. This all comes from the root of your belief that what you want matters. Another belief that I like to share is it's good for the world when you get what you want. I think a lot of women are trained and taught to be kind of scared of what they want or to, you know, suppress what they really want or to limit what they really want or to kind of like dim out what they really want because it might hurt someone else.
And this is what's interesting. Most of the women that I work with, I would say 99.9% of the women that I work with, what they want truly is good for the world. When you ask them why they want financial abundance it's like to travel with my kids, to create stability in my home, to be able to be free so that my husband doesn't have to work this crappy job, right? Or so that I can live more fully into my sole purpose, so that I can invest in software and mentorship in a team so I can reach more people, so I can run ads, so I can write a book.
Like the impact of why they want what they want is good. It's not like, oh, I want success so that I can be the best in the world and like live in a mansion all by myself. I mean, it's like, it's not this greedy thing. Most women want to create success because the ripple effect is going to bless her life and the life of everyone she touches. And so just try that on. It's good for the world when I get what I want. It's good for the world when I get what I want. And therefore, my highest level yes is important for me to know.
Like I said, it doesn't mean that you don't honor other people's experience. It doesn't mean that you're calloused. It doesn't mean that you're indifferent. It doesn't mean that you're a stone wall.
It just means that like you value what you want just like you value what other people want and you honor it in yourself because this is the work that no one can do for you. No one can take you to a hair appointment. No one can take you to a therapy appointment.
No one can take you to a coaching appointment. No one can take you to the doctor. Like you have to do this work for yourself. And I would argue that your desires and dreams and visions and what you want are the same thing, right? No one is going to fight harder for your desires than you. And so why are you fighting to maintain other people's desires that hurt your own? It doesn't make sense because no one can do this work for you. In my experience, this has been transformational for me to realize what I want matters.
My highest level yes matters and I need to know what it is so I can ask for it, so I can create it. And then of course, the ripple effect of that is impacting other people and freeing other people to go for their highest level yes too. There's a lot of collaboration and co-creation that becomes available. At first glance, this concept might sound selfish, but actually what happens, like my experience is, is that it's actually very co-creative. The world becomes better. Families become better. I have way more energy to give to my kids. The energy is purer.
The relationship that I have with Wesley is not, there's no hiding, right? There's no resentment. There's no secret feelings. It's like it's all out in the open. We talk about it and then we can create what we want and we believe that we can both have what we want. I believe in that reality this third way, right? It's not you get what you want at the expense of me not getting what I want. No, no, no. Like that's option one or two. I believe in option number three where we both get what we want at the same time. How could that be possible?
I think the same thing is true in business. It's not just I get what I want and I take your money. Ha ha ha, right? It's like, yeah, I get paid. You get a transformational experience. You go on to create amazing results. We both get what we want. That's the highest level yes I have for my clients, right? It's not just the sale. It's the transformation that my client experiences and then I get the joy and the possibility and the reward of doing this work with them.
And so I always look for the third option. When I choose my highest level yes, I empower other people to choose their highest level yes and that's true co-creation and collaboration at a very high plane. And so I think it's worth considering. I think it's worth trying on for you. Like how could this be true? Where can this show up for you? Where do you need to choose your highest level yes? Where haven't you been choosing your highest level yes? I think that's a good place to start. Okay, I hope you enjoyed this. I will talk to you next week. Bye.
