Hey guys, welcome back to the podcast. I'm really excited to share an interview I did with Denita Bremer, and it is all about this concept of if I'm so blessed, why can't I feel good, right? If I have the life that I wanted, why am I miserable? Why am I sad? Why am I anxious? Why can't I feel joy? And I think the transformational conversation we have will change your life if you open your mind to it.
And I'm really going to encourage you to try on some of the things that we're talking about, even if it's not necessarily working with a somatic practitioner, even if it's just like doing some of the things we talk about, like enjoying sunshine, noticing how you're feeling in your body, right? Moving your body, going on walks, taking care of your nervous system. I hope this conversation opens up a new way of experiencing your life. And I really enjoyed my conversation with Denita, and I know you will too. So here we go. Let's jump in.
Amber: All right. Welcome to the Conscious Coach Podcast, Denita.
Denita: Thank you for having me. It's so fun to be here.
Amber: I'm so excited. I'm excited for my audience and many, many of the people that listen probably know you, maybe not everyone. And so for people who are new, before we jump into the content today, which they will have already seen the title, If I'm So Blessed, Why Can't I Feel Good?
Denita: Yeah.
Amber: Okay. But let's start with the cliffhanger. How did you get into coaching and trauma work and all the amazing things that you do?
Denita: Yeah. So I am your typical valedictorian, high striver, high achiever, kind of grew up in the church. For anybody who is LDS, I went to church with my grandparents, but then I stopped going to church when I was a teenager and then started going to church when I moved away to college again. So I kind of have both an outsider perspective on that and an insider perspective. And the reason why I say that is because my parents were not members of the church. In fact, they were kind of like drug and alcohol addicts.
And so my childhood is really full of a lot of stories that I would call trauma stories. Like as I tell them, other people would say, wow, you've endured a lot of trauma. Right. Which is true. I have. And so most of my life until I was about 35, I was trying to get through life, trying to do the next thing, but had a really high bar for myself, really high perfectionism. I'm kind of surprised. I wouldn't say I struggle with anxiety. I'm definitely more on the depression end of the spectrum, but got into having kids, raising a family, doing what we all do, feeling like I should be happy and I'm not. And I started kind of praying about that, like Heavenly Father, show me.
Show me like how to be happy. I don't know how to be happy. And that kind of sparked a little bit of a personal journey. Through that time period, my family had an opportunity to live in Germany for a year. So I'd been homeschooling my kids and we thought, what a great opportunity for them to learn about culture and travel and all of that. So we uproot our lives, we go to Germany and overnight I have them like 24-7. Homeschooling is illegal in Germany. So I had to put them in a school. So they went to an international school and I was just kind of like by myself.
So the way I say it is I kind of went through like empty nest phase like 10 years early. And I was in this environment where it was cold, it was damp, it was gray. I totally got depressed and I was too scared to seek mental help support in Germany because of the language barrier. And so I turned my podcast app. And I searched LDS depression help. And I found a couple different podcasts, but the one that stuck with me that I listened to long term was Jody Moore.
She was a life coach and I just, she was blowing my mind every week with really simple, simple to me now concepts like you're not frustrated with your kids because they won't do their chores. You're frustrated about your thoughts about your kids because they won't do their chores. So I just got sucked into the life coaching vortex and I really did apply so many of the concepts to myself and I started noticing a difference. I started feeling like I had more agency over my life. It just was night and day. Like I went from being a victim to being, you know, a creator really.
And so then I have a degree in psychology and I always thought someday I would go back when the kids were grown up. I thought I would go back and become a therapist. And it never felt right. I probably sat down when my kids were little growing up five different times to like research programs and how much would it cost and what's the timeline. And it just never felt right. And then when I started listening to podcasts about life coaching, of course, I found Brooke Castillo. And one of those episodes, she was inviting people to consider becoming life coaches. And I was like, I think I want to do that.
And it was so scary. I was like, but it was like the spirit was like, yes, it was a full body yes. And so I just had to figure out the how. So I become a life coach. I go through the life coach school, start my business, and I kept kind of running into a wall, like by all means, I was, quote unquote, successful. You know, I might not have been making as much money as my goals said, but I could never kind of fully get to that success that I wanted. And I was working with a coach and she kind of brought up trauma, this idea of trauma.
And at that point in time, I knew that I had had trauma, but I wasn't giving it enough credit in my life. I was like, oh, no, no, that's in the past. And as she was talking, I just realized, oh, my gosh, it's trauma that's holding me back. It's not my thoughts. I have been doing thought work and I've been practicing beliefs and, you know, future self stuff and all of that. And I just knew, again, kind of a full body knowing the trauma that I had endured as a kid, as a teenager was holding me back. And so then I went on a journey to heal really more for myself, which I would say is backwards.
I think we should heal more for ourselves and then go into business, not go into business and then realize, oh, I've got some stuff to work through. But it is what it is. Right. And I worked with a coach who used somatic practice almost exclusively, and it changed me, like didn't change my thoughts. It changed my body. It changed my being. And I fell in love with it. And I was like, this, this is what I meant to do. And so I kind of pivoted a little bit and started bringing in somatic practice, got certified in some modalities. And that's where I am today. So I'm really much a story of like, I am the product first of my coaching. And then what I learn, I take out into the world and share with my clients, etc.
Amber: Yeah. I want to ask you a little bit because you use the phrase like my trauma was holding me back. You thought it was something else. What would I have seen in that period of your life? Because I think a lot of people, I'm sure we'll talk about it. They have trauma, but they don't know. But there are symptoms that you might look at them and be like, yeah, you probably have either like big T trauma, little T trauma. It doesn't matter. Like there's something in your body beyond what your brain is doing that is holding you back. But like, how would you describe that so that people can be like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Denita: Such a good question. So really, I was stuck in this loop of I would decide something and then in my mind, I would go all in on it. But then I would fizzle out like I would start something and I would have really big plans and then I couldn't sustain it. So I would go through these phases, a lot of action. And what would happen is people would come to me. I would sign clients and then I would get scared. I didn't know it at the time, but I would get scared and then I would pull back. And so I was kind of on that feast or famine cycle. Right.
But it was, I would say, more of like an energetic cycle inside of myself of like, oh, my gosh, this is the thing we're going to go all in. Yes. And then I would do that a little bit and then I would like burn out almost like I would just get tired. It was unsustainable because it was that perfectionism mind. And so then I would be like, oh, maybe this isn't it. Maybe I was wrong. I started doubting myself. And then I would have like a period of time where I would recuperate and then I would go on to the next big idea. So that's what it looks like really. My energy was just super streaky.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Yeah. That's the biggest thing I would say.
Amber: What did your like logical brain say about that? Because I just know people are like, oh, yeah, like I have a lot of ideas or like I'm just not a finisher. You know what I mean? But yeah, you went somewhere else, which is that getting somatic health.
Denita: Well, my brain said I'm just sucky at being consistent.
Amber: That's like, all right.
Denita: Yeah. It's just like, well, if we could just decide the thing and then do it and follow through and be consistent. But what was really happening is that this underlying fear of being seen was coming up. And then it was like in my body, I would feel like I can't go like literally it was like, but I can't go anymore. I have to stop. Sometimes I would say, well, maybe that idea wasn't aligned.
Amber: Yes.
Denita: Right. That's always what I was thinking of. Like it felt right in that moment and I got all excited. Maybe I acted too fast instead of really sitting with it and discovering, you know, what are the downsides and how would I do it and kind of planning out. And I would say that in some ways that was true. I would get excited about an idea and then I would just go for it before really thinking about it at all or much. And then I would be like, oh, actually, this doesn't feel aligned or this thing is happening and I don't like it.
So an example of that is a couple of years ago, I decided to open a Facebook group and we were going to talk about habits, forming habits. And I was going to base it off of the Atomic Habits book. And my kind of strategy around that was to get new people into my fields, just get to know new people. It was going to be three months for twenty five dollars. So my purpose wasn't to make money. It was more to experiment with a new thing and then also maybe get to know some new people. And so I did it. I started it and I got like a hundred people in that group.
And so that's where like a little bit of me was like, oh, I don't know if I can serve a hundred people. I don't like the idea of that many people seeing me started to make me feel like I should shrink back and get small. And I did learn some things from that. I learned I really do not like Facebook for housing my programs. But I noticed it was only three months, like a short period of time. Right. But I noticed like four or six weeks in, I was like, I want to shut this down.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: I just was like, oh, Facebook groups aren't aligned to me. Oh, maybe like talking about habits are not my thing, which it totally is. But like my brain was coming up with all these excuses when really it was like this feeling inside of me that was like, this feels dangerous. Don't go forward.
Amber: Yeah. A nervous system response almost.
Denita: Oh, totally. Yeah. That coach I was working with in that session that I realized, oh, this is trauma. She had asked me, like, close your eyes, drop into your body. What do you see yourself doing in the future? And so I did that. And what came up was I was standing on a stage speaking and I was like, what? I don't want to speak. That is not on my radar.
What is happening? And I realized, like, it was a little exciting to think about speaking in the future. But as I was imagining that I was literally like naked on stage and the spotlight was on me and the audience was like waiting for me to say something. It was like you could hear a pin drop. And I was just like, like, nothing would come out of my voice. And that's the moment where I was like, this is not a thought problem.
Amber: Yes. Because, OK, let's like time out, because I think a lot of coaches specifically and I don't have only coaches listening to this podcast. So coaches are going to know what we mean by that, right? Where it's like mindset or like what I'm thinking about is the problem.
That awareness, I think, is transformational in and of itself. Like, oh, it's not what I'm thinking about. It is something beyond that.
Denita: Yes.
Amber: This is your gear zone.
Denita: Well, and let me just say, when I very first found coaching, the idea that it was my thoughts was also transformational.
Amber: Right.
Denita: Yeah. So at that point in my life, the way I could get some traction, the way I could, like I said, move from being kind of a victim of my life to being a creator was to gain some agency over what I was thinking.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And then I kind of outgrew that.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: I outgrew that level.
Amber: Yeah. And it's a tool. Like I think thought work is a powerful tool. And I mean, I studied psychology kind of like you. And it was like, I never learned this in any of my psych classes, just that my thoughts are, you know, driving my feelings. But there's something else that creates feelings. And that is more complex, too.
Denita: Yes. So it's not untrue that our thoughts create our feelings. Sometimes that is the case. But it generally speaking, if you look just to use a word I know you love holistically at our bodies, it's about 20 percent of the driving force of our feelings. We would say that's the top down, top down approach where we use our mind or our logic to affect our body. It's about 20 percent. But there's also a bottom up approach. And our feelings are caused by nervous system, by associations with previous experiences. I'm just going to lump it all into saying nervous system.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Not quite that simple. But generally speaking, 80 percent of the highway of information goes from your body to your brain. That's a bottom up approach.
Amber: Oh, so powerful to know. And this is why like what we're going to talk about today, like I'm so blessed. Why can't I feel good? Because like psychologically, they're looking at their life and they're like, I should feel good. Everything's right. I still remember you saying like, I got the husband in the three car garage.
Denita: Yes.
Amber: I have the kids. And like I just remember you saying that like it was such a visual. A lot of people feel this way, right? Like I have the house. I have the husband. Like we got the job. Like we made it. And I feel awful because it's not going top down. It's coming from the body.
Denita: Yes. And just for the audience, the reason why the three car garage feels so like such a big deal is still today. I've been in my house almost 20 years. It still feels like a big deal because for four years growing up, I had no running water or electricity and lived in a trailer.
Amber: Oh, my gosh.
Denita: So the contrast is gigantic.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: For me, the idea that I could afford my husband and I together could afford a home in a beautiful suburb, three car garage, 3200 square feet. Like I own multiple vacuums.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Like what is this life?
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Right. So that's why I literally at that point in time was like, what is wrong with me? I have an amazing husband. Like he's super successful at home and at work. My kids are all healthy and funny and like they're just amazing people. And I've got this house that my identity took me about five years to catch up to this is my house.
Amber: Yeah. This is really where you live. Yeah.
Denita: This is my life, right?
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: But inside I was so miserable. And honestly, I don't think I knew how to not be miserable because my whole life was fight or flight, running from some danger, feeling like, you know, I got to figure this out. I got to do this. I got to do this. And I never learned how to not do that anymore.
Amber: Yeah. Did you know how traumatic your childhood was like as a young adult?
Denita: No.
Amber: Okay.
Denita: It was kind of one of those things where you just live it. And so it just is your reality.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And you don't see other options. Like I didn't live two lives. I only lived the one life.
Amber: Right.
Denita: So I mean, I had a little bit of a sense, even pretty young, the way my parents were was not normal, wasn't necessarily healthy, but also they were my parents and they were what kept me safe. And I loved them and they loved me.
Amber: Right.
Denita: Right. So like I kind of could sense a little bit that the way I grew up wasn't normal and it wasn't healthy, but really it wasn't until I started doing somatic work. Even I remember working with my coach and her saying, but no, this was wrong, the way your parents were. Like you loved them and they took care of you.
And I always had food and I always had clothes and I never didn't have a place to live. Right. Like we always had the basic necessities. But she was telling me that, also it's okay to be angry at your parents. And I was like, why would I be angry at my parents? Like it was a disconnect.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Now I can see it better for what it is. But I even when I started becoming a coach and learning mindset work, I was still running. I was still running from my past.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And I didn't know that. I remember telling a coach, I'm just so tired psychologically, emotionally. I'm so tired. I just want to like sleep for a year. And she was like, yeah, you've been running for a long time. And that I think was the beginning of, wow, you’ve been running for a really long time.
Amber: I feel that even the way that you describe it. And you maybe didn't know you were running.
Denita: I didn't know I was running. I thought I was just getting good grades and trying to do the best I could. And let's get to college and let's have a good job so I don't have to live the way my parents lived. And I didn't feel like running, but it was very much escaping this survival life.
Amber: Yeah. I know a lot of people who don't have your obviously your story, but have something similar where it's like, but I love my parents or I loved my childhood.
Denita: Yeah.
Amber: But there's this disconnect because what I love about you specifically is you can hold really amazing nuance that can be true. You can love your parents and you might be really angry. You might have processing to do, you know? So for the people listening, it's like something will probably land if it's them, you know, like I'm tired and I don't know why you found somatic work. Can you teach? Because like some people will know what that means and other people won't.
Denita: Yeah. So soma means body in Latin. And so somatic is just of the body. When we're talking about mindset or thought work, we're really focused on what are you thinking? Because if we can figure out what you're thinking and if there's a thought that is sort of holding you back or is an obstacle in some way, we can retrain that thought. But with somatic work, we're looking at the body. We're asking, what are you feeling? What's happening in your body? What's coming up when you think that or when you remember that memory?
You could just have like a loose intention and your body will respond to it. So there's not as much talking with somatic work. I mean, we still have to communicate like what's coming up for you. What are you noticing? But it's more being with the body, letting the body have its process. So there were sessions with my coach when I very first started this. I was meeting weekly with a coach. We were doing somatic work and she would start out every session with, how are you feeling today? In the beginning, I would be like, oh, I'm feeling pretty good, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But as the sessions went on, as the months went on, I learned that that was my cue to notice my body.
Amber: Yes.
Denita: And I would start, okay, well, kind of a little tight in my gut. You can even hear in my voice how I slow down.
Amber: Yep.
Denita: And you check in. There were sessions when I'd be laying on the floor, sessions when I'd be standing up, like running in place. So somatic work is like letting the body do what it needs to do. And in fact, sitting in a seat for an hour, not ideal.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: We are like giving the body what it needs. It's really all about like resourcing and giving support so that the body can show you its wisdom. So it's much more like a garden analogy, right? We don't force the plants to grow. We just give the environment so that the plant can grow. And that's what our body needs. And for many, many, many of our bodies, we have been in a fight or flight and our body needs to learn to slow down, to stop. And it feels uncomfortable. It's like, ooh, I don't really want to stop. I notice my knee still wants to bounce. Things like that. Right.
Amber: Or I need to scroll Instagram all of a sudden, because I think in our modern day, even if we slow down our body sitting, we don't actually slow down because we grab our phone or we turn on Netflix or whatever. Most people don't know how to do what you're talking about.
Denita: Which is why I named my podcast If I'm So Blessed. That's kind of the logic piece. Why can't I feel good?
Amber: Feel good. Yeah.
Denita: Right. Because that's what we all want. That's what we all claim. I want to feel joyful. I want to feel happy. I want to feel content.
Amber: Freedom. Yeah.
Denita: Yeah. Those kinds of things. But it's because on the surface, we all know to some extent, because we live in human bodies, how to feel. We understand emotions, things like that. But to really slow down and feel and meet ourselves and respond appropriately, I might have a client come into my Zoom room and I'll ask, you know, how are you feeling today? And my clients now are like, they know I'm feeling a lot of activation.
Okay, where are you feeling that in your body? And they'll describe it. And I'll just say, why don't you get up and pace? I don't need to be able to see you. Just go ahead and pace. Or I'll have them like push against a wall. Because activation that we would call it kind of that anxiety energy, the I want to run, I want to fight, wants to be metabolized through movement.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: That's how we metabolize that energy. And then on the opposite end of the spectrum, I might have a client come in and say, oh, I'm feeling empty. I'm feeling down or heavy or stuck. That's more of the shutdown response. Now, it is still an activation response, but it feels like a lack of energy, feels almost like overwhelm. And so for those clients, I encourage them to lay down, lay down on the floor or the bed or the couch, because a bigger surface area of being supported, like that's what they need. And that shutdown is more support.
Right. And then also heat. That's what I mean by like meeting your body where it's at. It's like most of the time we sit in our seats and we live this very sedentary life. If we're checking in, we might say like, oh, I really feel like stretching or I really want to like get up and walk around for a minute, but we don't do it. We're like, no, no, I'll do that in 15 minutes.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Right. So that's what I mean by like somatic is meeting the body with what it needs and the brain can override the body so easily.
Amber: Yes.
Denita: In our culture, we don't usually let our body override our brain.
Amber: Like, yeah, I think back, I mean, we learn it in childhood, right? Like there's a way to feel and there's not a way to feel.
Denita: Yeah, exactly.
Amber: Quotations, right? Actually, just yesterday, my daughter, she's six. We had parent teacher conferences and she was really nervous. I could tell because she was like, I think I'm going to throw up. And that's what she'll say. And I'm like, oh, like, sounds like you might be feeling a little anxious. You want to go for a walk? And she goes, yes. And so we decided to walk to the school. And by the time we get to the school, she's like, I'm feeling so much better.
I teach my girls like emotions are energy in motion. It's like it wants to go.
And she was like, I feel so much better. So it's like you can see she knew that she was feeling distressed. Moving her body helped her feel better. As adults, it's like, I just got to sit here and take it. Or I'm going to get on my email. Or we distract from it instead of like you said going in like, oh, I want to stretch. I want to go on a walk, you know, listening to them.
Denita: Well, and so much of it is the cultural conditioning. I would say mostly from our education system, right? The idea that we put young children into a classroom and we expect them to mostly sit most of the time. I don't know about you, but when my kids were young and they were at home, they were almost never sitting any of the time. Right.
So I think we learn, like you said, we learn to kind of squash down those needs that we have. In fact, I have high schoolers and they come home at the beginning of the year and they have to sign and I have to sign a syllabus. And sometimes in the syllabus is you can't go to the bathroom during class time more than three times in a semester. So we're even telling our bodies like it's inappropriate for you to pee right now.
Amber: Yeah. Regular bodily function. Yeah.
Denita: So I always tell my kids, I don't care. If you have to pee, you go.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And if I need to take it up with that teacher, I will.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And it won't be your fault. And my kids are always like, Mom, I'm never going to do that. Right.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And somebody else's kids, maybe they're autistic or extreme ADHD or something like that. Like they might need that.
Amber: Yep.
Denita: So a lot of it is the cultural conditioning of like what's appropriate when. And of course, we want to be respectful, kind people in the world.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: So it's kind of a fine line between my body really needs this, but it's inappropriate to do that right here right now.
Amber: Yeah. And this is what's wild. I bet it's been interesting for you to coach people through this. It's like even in the privacy of your own home or your own office, it feels weird to get up and pace or to get up and stretch or to cry.
Denita: Yes.
Amber: We won't do it even alone. And that's how deep it goes.
Denita: Yes. That's exactly what I was going to say. The conditioning is deep.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Because then we start questioning, well, am I a weird person?
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Am I a weird person?
Amber: But I feel like to move something. Yeah. It's crazy.
Denita: Yes.
Amber: Yes.
Denita: So the conditioning is deep. It's one of the reasons why we can feel really blessed, but not good. Because we don't know how to meet ourselves in what we need. In addition to that, especially as women, but I would say very much men as well, when you ask someone, well, what do you need? They don't know how to answer that question.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: I am sitting here going, oh, dang, I forgot to bring water. And I'm like, I kind of need a drink of water. Usually when you ask yourself, what do I need? It's a snack, a drink, a rest.
Amber: Yeah. A nap.
Denita: There are simple things. It's not like I need a million dollars or, you know, I need my kid to be well-behaved. It's what your body needs.
Amber: Yeah. And it's a very present question. It's not what do you need conceptually and philosophically, because we don't. You're right. We like I think of like teachers. I was thinking about this just because it's like parent-teacher conferences, like they're not eating or drinking for hours trying to do these conferences.
Denita: Yes.
Amber: So like this year, like the PTA was like, we're bringing the teachers food. I'm like, how is this new? You know what I mean? Like this is a new endeavor to feed them. Like this is crazy, like simple needs, bodily needs that we just suppress for productivity.
Denita: Exactly. And I will just say I have a 16 year old. He just turned 16 and he is the grumpiest person I know. And I think he's malnourished. He's six feet tall, 150 pounds, but he doesn't eat breakfast. He eats like pizza for lunch. And then, you know, we feed him a fairly healthy dinner. But I'm like, he's not getting all the nutrients that he actually needs. And what sparked this was like an ad on Instagram. And it was something like hidden hunger, you know, vitamins for your teenager.
And I was like, oh, my gosh. My son just needs more food because it's night and day. As soon as he eats, and especially if it's food that he really enjoys, like if it's not a dinner that he's like, oh, mom, I don't like this dinner. He's like silly and like dancing around afterward. And he's so happy. I'm just blown away by this idea of we can be eating food, but it's not nourishing us. Right. So even check in with your body about what do I need?
Because oftentimes I will say to myself, I need nourishment. And it's like, I want to eat like a sweet potato. I want to have like celery and peanut butter. Right. But why do I go eat a granola bar? Because that's what's easy. That's what fits into my life. Right. I haven't kind of set myself up for success in that way. And so it's just so pervasive that we're ignoring our bodies and our needs.
Amber: Yeah. Well, and what's interesting, we haven't gone here yet, but eventually your body makes it very known. Right. And we don't want to get to that place. Like I haven't experienced that, but I know people who have or were like either autoimmune or like they get super sick. You know, the only thing that I can speak to from experience is pregnancy, which is funny. Like I would crave eating meat, like red meat, because I was probably a little iron deficient, but it was more of an extreme awareness because of an extreme condition.
Denita: Yeah.
Amber: I think about that, like if we neglected or if we don't listen, eventually it makes itself known.
Denita: Well, and what I like to tell people is physical health is mental health. They are one in the same. They are not different because trauma has a lot to do with energy in our body. And when the energy has nowhere to go, it gets stored away. But also when we don't have any sources of energy or any like high quality sources of energy, then we don't have that environment that feels supportive for us to be able to finish some of those emotional cycles or whatever. Like a lot of trauma is, I felt this overwhelming emotion and I couldn't feel it.
It was too overwhelming in that moment. So it just stopped. And then ideally later we will come back to it and process that. But most of us have emotional experiences from our childhood that we've never gone back to process. And the reason we can't is because there's a reason we couldn't feel that. Yes, the environment on a macro and a micro level wasn't supporting us to be able to be with that energetic experience.
Amber: That totally makes sense. And that's why I think too, like having grace for yourself, like you were six, you couldn't create an environment for yourself and you didn't know. So of course your brain just turned it off. And now when you're 36 or 56, doesn't matter, right? Now it wants to almost completely let it out. That's such a good way of saying that.
Denita: Well, and I know a lot of people are like, oh, eye roll because everybody says everything's from my childhood and it's all my parents' fault. First of all, that's kind of a story that we've bought into. But the reason why things from our childhood feel impactful or sometimes more impactful than some experiences we have in adulthood is because we do have fewer resources as children. It's just how it is.
Amber: It's just how it is.
Denita: And so until we are more resourced, and some people go their whole lives without learning this, we can't go back and process and give ourselves what we needed in that moment because we don't have the resources. And that's another big thing about somatic work. It's a lot about resources. It's a lot about helping clients bring in resources. And I'm not talking about money. I'm not talking about hiring a nanny. I'm talking about how does it feel when you sit in the sun? Anything that makes you feel good and nourished is a resource.
So for me, I love hot water, hot showers, sauna, hot tub, sitting in the sun, using a hot pack. Heat is such an amazing resource for me. And my whole body just goes, oh, and like I can feel all the tension melting away. And it's like we talk about pouring back into ourselves. This is how I pour into myself. The primary way is heat and my daily walks in my green belt.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Mostly doesn't cost anything.
Amber: Yeah, I would agree. I think most of the stuff that you're talking about resources is what you already have available that you're just not using, right? Like even breath. Like I went to an event with Rich Lipman and he'd always do this thing. Like when we started, he'd go ahhhh. And he'd make everyone sighed. The first time he did it, I looked around the room and I was like, this is weird. By the end of it, I was like, it felt good to like breathe deep and sigh out. A psychological sigh is actually like you can study it. Like there's the thing. It regulates you. It calms you down.
Denita: I can't even tell you how often I'll be one on one with a client and I'll be like, can you just hum? Just be like, hmm. And the client's like, I'm going to mute myself because this feels really weird.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Right.
Amber: Because we can’t do it. We've transformed our life into like robots.
Denita: Yes.
Amber: Human things like humming or walking or sitting in the sun or sitting in some hot water or taking a nap or laying on the ground.
Denita: Yeah.
Amber: We don’t know how to do it.
Denita: I'm telling you. And so I have actually thought about marketing myself as like I help you slow down.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Because so many people are like, I just need to slow down. I just want to feel relaxed.
Amber: They don't even know what that means.
Denita: Yeah. And I'm like, well, why aren't you? Although give me a whole lot of reasons. And I do this too. It's like until I'm like on the call with my coach, then I go, okay, now I can let go of everything. So having a space, a time and a place where you can like put it all down, where you can slow down. Oh my gosh. It is so valuable. And I speak from experience. Last week on Monday, for some reason, all my calls got canceled and I had one call. It was a coworking session with a friend where my intention was to write my book because I'm writing a book.
Amber: Love it.
Denita: And I thought on Sunday night, I was like, oh, my gosh, I have like a open day. I'm going to get up and I'm going to do my morning routine and then I'm going to write all day. I'm just going to like bang out a bunch of words. I didn't do it because I had nobody there saying, no, no, no, no. It's time to sit down and write. And so I got going on this and on that.
And, you know, the whole mom, if you give a mouse a cookie thing. Right. And then I'm like, oh, crap, it's two o'clock and it's almost time for my coworking session. Well, I show up to the coworking session and I write, but I had intended to spend like four hours writing that day. And I can't even tell you what I did. So it's like some of us need, I call it accountability, but it's yes, it's like times and places.
Amber: Yes.
Denita: Where the intention is just to slow down or even if you want to, like, get something accomplished that you keep putting off or whatever. Right.
Amber: But the reason they're putting it off is because they won't go in. I've done this to myself. Right. I'm like, I just need to sit in this chair or like on the ground sometimes, like for five minutes before I get productive. I need to be with myself.
Denita: Yeah.
Amber: And I'm way more productive. It's funny because like I'm not it enhances your productivity. That's not why to do it, but it can't. It does.
Denita: Yeah. Really early on, I heard a coach say, you know, it was the whole like schedule everything out type of thing to be productive. And she was like, you just schedule it out and be kind to yourself when you're scheduling. Right. Add in breaks, whatnot. And when it comes to this block of time where it's like, I'm going to write in my book, I'm just going to use that as an example. You either write in your book or you coach yourself on why you're not. But guess what? I couldn't do that either. Because the thing is, is that sometimes we can't be with ourselves.
Amber: Yes.
Denita: Like being with ourselves can be very activating. It can shut us down. It can be very overwhelming. So some people, not all people, because some people can do this. Some people need another person there to say like, okay, what are you feeling now? What are you thinking now? What's going on? Right. To kind of help support you in figuring out why can't I sit down and write?
Amber: I'm going to make a spicy comment, too. I think it's people who are great at taking care of other people.
Denita: Oh, for sure.
Amber: Like they are so good at holding the space for other people that when it gets turned on them, they want to get out of that seat so fast. Right. They can be there when their friends cry. They can hold their children. They can look at their husband and be there. They can serve in church. They can be a coach. And then when someone's like, but how are you feeling? I don't know.
Denita: Well, and part of some types of trauma is that you have to learn to ignore yourself. So when I was growing up, I had to pay very close attention to the state of my mom and my dad.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Right. Because if they were upset, I needed to know to like stay out of the way. Like my dad would either be angry or sad. So if he was sad, I would try to go cheer him up. They signaled to me what I should be doing.
Amber: Yes.
Denita: In my head as the child to be safe.
Amber: Because if you approached him when he was angry, it probably didn't feel super like amazing to you.
Denita: Oh, my gosh. That would have been so dangerous.
Amber: Yeah. So like we don't approach dad when he's angry. It doesn't matter. Be parental love right now or to ask him a question or anything.
Denita: Which for anybody that's listening, this is totally codependency where we start to look to somebody else, usually our original caregivers, to know, well, how am I? If dad is upset, if mom is upset, then I am not good. And so I learned that if they were okay, then I was okay. But what is required in that is for me to not check in with myself. My definition of being okay is whether my mom and dad are okay. And so you come by it honestly, that it's hard for you to focus on yourself, check in with yourself, because nobody was checking in with you. So it's the end of the spectrum that I call more neglect, emotional neglect. It's not what happened to you. It's what didn't happen.
Amber: Oh, my gosh. That's so good.
Denita: Right. And so many, many of us, we become the caregivers, the caretakers, the space holders, because that's what we had to do growing up to stay safe. And so we just continue that pattern.
Amber: Can you describe safety for a second? I was talking to my husband about this. People who are out of like, what do you mean safe? Because I think in their mind, it's like your parents weren't like hitting you. For me, I was like, well, I wanted emotional safety. He's like, what does that even mean?
Denita: Yeah. Typically, we think of safety like cars not coming at me. I'm not about to die.
Amber: I'm not going to die. Yeah.
Denita: Yeah. But emotional safety is very much a feeling. Right. It's like I feel like I can be myself. I'm not going to get in trouble. For me, it feels like a stillness, a groundedness. That's what safety feels like to me. But even we've been like in public places where we're like something's up. This doesn't feel right. We go back to our cars. Right. So that's kind of like that feeling of like, I'm on alert.
Amber: Yes.
Denita: Walking on eggshells.
Amber: Yes.
Denita: Not feeling that.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: That is safety. Right. Is I don't have to be like internally on alert. I can just be myself.
Even this idea of like, can you cry or be angry?
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: You let yourself have your emotions without filtering, editing, that kind of a thing.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Because that's safety. I've had to work on this in my marriage of it's not anything like my husband has said or done, like he's an amazing husband. It's my patterns that I brought from my childhood that I look to him and I'm like, oh, my gosh, did I upset him? And so that whole idea of you don't have to walk on eggshells. I mean, I'm sure there's more nuance around it, but that would be like the biggest thing is this sort of hyper vigilance that we don't. What is the absence of hyper vigilance? Right. It's just being.
Amber: Being. Yeah.
Denita: So that's what it feels like to you.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Whatever is true for you.
Amber: If you’re angry, you’re angry. And if you're sad, you're sad. And if you're happy, you're happy.
Denita: I often notice that when I get that little lump in my throat where I'm like choking back an emotion, that's how I know that I'm trying to kind of filter or I don't want other people to see something about me or I don't want something to be true about me. And so that like right at the base of my throat, right, those muscles tense up. And it's like when you try not to cry.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And that's a cue for me that I don't feel safe. I don't feel emotionally safe. And it can happen in any relationship. Like I said, I have a 16 year old son. I feel very not safe around him because he has a lot of ideas of how his mom should and shouldn't be. And so we've had a lot of conversations about, you know, navigating relationships and doing things because that's what the other person wants or desires, but also letting yourself be yourself. So sometimes I go, sorry, buddy, this is just how I am. And even you as my son, I'm not going to change myself for that. And sometimes I say, okay, I could do that for you.
Amber: Yeah. I see where you're coming from. I can honor that. Yeah.
Denita: Right. But often with teenagers, I have found I feel that pressure to be different than I am because they're kind of in that phase of their life where they're very aware of what other people think of them. And, you know, their mom is kind of an extension and I get it. And so I don't like purposely embarrass them or things like that. But also I tell them I lived most of my life trying to be something for everyone else and not paying attention to myself. So sorry, I'm not going to do that even for you. I love you so much, but I hope that this is sending you the signal that don't be someone else just because someone wants you to.
Amber: Yeah. Powerful and hard. Hard to do.
Denita: So hard. It's just a balancing act, right? Because sometimes I fall on the side of, well, but I want my kids to like me, too. I want them to feel seen and loved. And sometimes I fall on the side of, screw you, child. Yeah. Like, I'm just gonna be me.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Right. And so I hope it all evens out to them knowing that they can be themselves and I'm going to try to not pressure them to be something different than they are. Of course, I do every day because I'm human and I have my own thoughts and feelings about them. But I try not to. I try to let them be themselves fully as they can be. And it is hard because we're all different.
Amber: Yeah. I think that's like in this generation, it's probably one of the hardest things that is existing for parents right now.
Denita: Yeah. I find it harder in some ways easier to be the parent of teenagers. I have a young adult and two teenagers and sometimes very much harder than young kids. It's not as much of a physical toll. It's way more of an emotional toll, which for me, with the history of trauma and like neglect and just a lot of drain on my emotional resources, it's a lot harder for me.
So there might be another mom out there who didn't have the background that I have and they love being the mom to teenagers. Right. They have more of a buffer for those emotional resources. So, yeah, for me, it's way harder to parent adults and becoming adults because they have their agency and you got to like bite your tongue sometimes and let them fail. And then you're like trying to be yourself, too. And, uh, super hard.
Amber: Yeah. Which is why going within, going to your body, I feel like is sure guidance because I think, you know, a lot of what we do as coaches is like there's things that we cannot change and we make peace with it. And I feel like there's the thought works version of that. And there's what you're describing, like sitting in the sun, laying on the ground, letting yourself cry, getting in a container, like a coaching container where people guide you through feeling emotions that maybe you haven't felt in 20 years. You know, you can regulate and then handle the situations. Maybe not going to change, but you have changed.
Denita: Well, and honestly, one of the biggest things I've learned is letting myself be in the discomfort because my brain wants to go, how do I fix this? How do I fix this? How do I get away? How do I get away? That's the running I did for 35 years. But now I'm just like, okay, this is really uncomfortable. Where do I feel that? Like, I kind of talk myself through it, right? I'll be like in the car with my son and I'll just, in my head, I'll be like, my armpits are getting sweaty.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: My stomach is like tensing up. If he's like, mom, don't listen to that song. That song's stupid or whatever. Very judgmental. So I'm like, okay, let's just be in this discomfort, which sounds so like cliche or flippant or whatever, but the actual practice of it.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Oh my goodness is so hard.
Amber: Yeah. Oh, I've had to teach myself how to cry. I know that sounds, you know what I'm talking about, though, because I'm sure you've walked lots of people through this. I had to teach myself how to cry because I would start to cry and I would just turn it off because that's what I learned. Like, oh, cry. No, we don't cry. Nope. Don't let people see you cry. Right. And so I remember when I first found coaching, this was like in 2018, I remember like letting myself just cry and it felt cathartic, which was amazing.
You know, I was like, okay, like, it's okay if I cry, but I had to like, no, no, no. Stay with it. Like, let it out. I had to kind of like walk myself through it. And so I think that there's a lot of people who are like that, not just with crying, but feeling anger, feeling sad, feeling disappointed, especially like entrepreneurs, like the feeling of disappointment, the feeling of possibility.
Denita: Yeah.
Amber: When you fail or whatever.
Denita: I think we all have kind of our signature emotions that we don't like to feel. Because I'm a crier and I cry almost every day. I cry in public. I cry at church. Like everybody knows like, oh, she's a crier. It's fine.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And it took some time to kind of allow myself to be that. But it was so obvious that it was one of the first things I was able to let myself do. I still have a hard time with anger. And it's not that I can't feel angry. I can feel angry, but it like, it just doesn't come up a lot. And so I know sort of subconsciously, there's still a lot of work for me to do. I was actually just on a walk this morning and I'm writing a book. And one of the things that I've learned from writing my memoir is how abandoned I feel from the women in my life. My mom, both grandmas, both sisters.
Amber: Wow.
Denita: I was walking and I was thinking about that. And I kind of felt it come up a little. And it looked like crying. Like I felt the tears come up. I was honestly very open to it. But then it just kind of went back down very naturally. Right. And it might have been because I was moving my body.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: But it's something that I'm like, come on, anger, let's go. I'm ready to feel you. You know, like you have to go on the timeline of your body. You can't force it. And I've had clients who want to force it.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: They're like, I really just want to get all this out. And I'm like, does it really work like that? You have to meet it when it comes. So we all kind of have our things that we learn to shut down really soon. This is why I'm actually going through the focalizing practitioner training right now. The Focalizing Institute is the website you would go to. It's all about slowing down the emotions, slowing down the body and being with it at every stage. And sometimes I get really impatient. But the more I do it, the more I'm like, this is the best thing ever. So it's that whole slowing down to speed up. Right.
Like when I slow down and I become more in tune with my body, I understand so much deeper my own emotions, my triggers, really like fine tune feelings. Like I used to be able to describe, oh, yeah, like my neck and my shoulders are tight and my stomach is tight. Oh, I've got some warmth in my chest. And now I notice those little tiny muscles around your eyes. When I start to kind of crinkle my eyes a little and like focus, I'm like, oh, I'm holding tension there. So like the more you practice it, the more you get into the finer and finer and finer details of your body and your emotions and your sensations and all of it. And there's just so much gold in all of it that I love it. And I'm in it for the long haul.
Amber: Yeah. And it's like a practice like meditation. I remember just like acknowledging tightness in my belly. You know what I mean? Like that was like, I didn't even know that was there until someone was like, I think it was like Brooke Castillo. I'm pretty sure it was like just notice, you know, back in her early podcast days is like, just notice like where do you feel it in your body? And I was like, oh, my gosh, I feel it in my belly. I don't even know that's where I felt grief.
Denita: Yeah. This is such a good point because many people at the beginning of a journey, if you're listening, you're like, oh, I want to try somatic work. Many people will be like, oh, I'm just bad at this. I'm like, of course you are. You haven't ever practiced it. You haven't ever learned it. And I have worked with clients who literally I would just be like, tell me anything you're feeling, anything. And they couldn't do it. And then a couple months later, they'll be like, oh, my heart is beating really hard. I'm hot.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And then they'll go, yeah, I'm just really bad at this. I'm like, what you are. So you're getting better every day. Right. And so that's something that I think our logical mind tells us, like, I'm not very good at this. I'll never be able to do this because it is kind of scary and overwhelming to be in our bodies sometimes. And there's reasons why you stay out of our bodies. We stay in our minds.
And so to just take it very, very, very, very slowly and to say, like, I'm learning how to do this. It's okay if it takes me time. That is, I would say, one of the first obstacles that comes up for people. They start to shame themselves about how they connect with their own bodies. And I'm like, there's no right or wrong with.
Amber: Oh, actually, that was going to be one of my questions for you, because I know I was really afraid to do anything close to this. I went to mindset and like the powering through. And that's still my default. I will just power through this because that was what I learned. You power through it. So when I started to slow down and feel it was scary because it felt like chaos or it felt out of control. So I would imagine there's other people who feel that way, too. So what would you say if they're afraid?
Denita: Well, one thing I would say is any good practitioner will let you go at your own pace. And so at any point you can say, I don't want to do this anymore. And it's always consensual.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Right. If I'm working with you and you're like, I'm done, then I'm like, okay, you're done. And we can switch gears. We can go a different direction. We can do mindset instead. Like there's always so many options. And I think that people I've seen this a lot to comments that people make about therapy. They're like, what if my therapist makes me do this or do that? And I'm like, if they're a good therapist, they're never going to make you do anything.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: So recognizing that you have agency over the pace.
Amber: So good.
Denita: And a somatic practitioner wants you to speak up and say, this is feeling too uncomfortable. This is feeling like chaos. So there are tools like we can zoom in and we can zoom out. And sometimes if we zoom way out and you just kind of watch yourself feeling chaos, that's really interesting, too. Right. Everything will give us information. So that's the biggest thing I would say. But the other thing I will say is every single sensation will give you wisdom. Every single one has some kind of learning or message for you. So that's why I say there's no right or wrong to this. It's not like, oh, my gosh, you can't feel into what is happening inside your body. Well, you're just a terrible client. No, it's not about that at all. It's about, oh, this client, this is the place where they are. That's just where they are.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: I was there at one point. So I have tons of compassion for that. Right.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And I would one thing I like to say is, especially for overthinkers, people who are in their mind a lot, start to notice how it feels. Like, how does it feel to notice all the buzzing of the thoughts? You know, that's a great place to start because you're kind of in a comfort zone where you're like in your head and you're with your thoughts. But then you just take it like a tiny little step of like, well, how does that feel to be thinking all those thoughts?
Amber: Yeah, that's a great start.
Denita: Right. And so just know that there are unlimited, like truly unlimited places to start ads to explore. If one doesn't feel good to you, then just say so.
Amber: So amazing. I love that you teach agency. And, you know, I think the big one that I heard you say, too, is like choosing someone who can facilitate that you trust, that slows down with you, that wants to go at your pace. Like, I think whenever people ask me, like, obviously, I'm not in the therapy world, but I know the therapy world. And so people ask me, like, how do you pick a good therapist? And I was like, people who give you like that safety, like even if you don't want to tell them anything yet, you can sit in a room and you're like, I can be with this person, regardless of degrees or where they went to school.
Denita: Yes. And I actually say ignore all that stuff if you can.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Every practitioner should give you some taste of their work or what it's like to work with them before you ever commit. And my idea, my thought is that a really good practitioner will give you a free session.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Or a mini session or something like that, because if they understand the nervous system, they know that you need to kind of try on the practitioner. You need to sit with them.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And you need to pay attention to how your body responds.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And so I do free sessions. Anybody can have a free session because I want you to feel what it feels like to work with me.
Amber: Right. Not in your brain, reading a sales pitch.
Denita: Not in your brain. We're not going to talk about what do you think about the price or whatever. It's like literally just sitting here with me. How does your body feel? Because I don't know. I could remind you of your third grade teacher who you hated. So it's going to be a terrible three months, six months, year working with me if your body is like, oh, I just hate her voice. And I don't take it personally. I just know that we all have different triggers and things that we like, we don't like. And so I always say, sit with this, feel into it. Like even the newest of newbies, check in with your body. Did it feel safe? Did it feel like you could potentially trust me? Did it feel like you could tell me things that are really vulnerable? And if the answer is no, trust that.
Amber: So good.
Denita: So I think most somatic practitioners understand that.
Amber: Right.
Denita: And if they don't, I would run.
Amber: Yes.
Denita: Run away from them.
Amber: Right.
Denita: So look for practitioners that will give you a free session, even like 15 minutes, I think is enough time. You could probably do it by listening to a podcast and hearing someone's voice and how they talk and all of that. You can feel into it. Like, is this a person that I think I could trust? That is so important. And because I understand the nervous system and it's not a logical process, if somebody says, I really like you, I really like what you say and do, but I don't know, it doesn't feel right. But I'm like, great.
Amber: Yep.
Denita: I've got referrals.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Right.
Amber: Yes.
Denita: Keep looking until you feel that click. You feel that like, oh, this is my person because I'm not going to be it for everyone. And in fact, I only have spaces for eight clients, eight clients and a small group, a limited number of capacity for me.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: So like, I truly am not going to be offended. And I would say no good practitioner would be offended by that.
Amber: Here's another question for you, just because I know a little bit about how you operate. Like, do you think that they should try it one on one first? Or do you think that they could do a group?
Denita: I think preferably one on one.
Amber: That's what I thought too. That's really curious.
Denita: I think you can do it in a group. I have done it in a group as well. There just comes more nuance in. Right. Because now you have other people in the group, not just the practitioner who you also have to feel safe with.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Some people are really good at, I don't care what the other group members think, like they can just kind of cut themselves off from that. And it doesn't matter to them. And some people can't. Like, I literally have somebody in my small group who has never shown up to a session live. She just wants to watch the replays. And, you know, I've checked in with her and I'm like, as long as that feels like it's serving you and you're getting what you need. Right. So that's another kind of like check in with your body. How does it feel to be in a group?
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Versus one on one.
Amber: I can see it going both ways. Like if someone is really activated, I could see them just wanting to kind of observe first. Like, I don't know if I'm ready to do this, but I want to see how it works. I want to see how someone else does it.
Denita: Right.
Amber: But the other thing is that I know is like the whole point of somatic work is your what's going on in your body.
Denita: The one thing I will say about group work is that it is much more effective for reducing shame. Even if I'm with a client one on one, they'll be like, I know I'm so weird for doing this or this is strange that I think this or feel this. And I can tell them, actually, this is really normal. Lots of my clients feel this way,
Amber: Because they don't have evidence. Yeah.
Denita: Yes. But that's not the same as being in a group call and somebody else saying the same thing that you're feeling and them going, oh, my gosh, I'm not the only one. So that's the reason why I like group work, because so much of the work I do is around shame and self-judgment. And so being in a group of like minded people can go so far to minimizing that.
I mean, I think it takes work to kind of facilitate a group where it is safe and, you know, people feel to what extent they can. They feel like they can share. So it's just going to depend on the person. And I would say it probably depends a little bit on their intention of what they want to bring to the work as well. So like, if it's like sex in your marriage, you might not want to talk about that in a group.
Amber: Right.
Denita: If it's like stuff happening in parenting, you might want to talk about that in a group. You might want other people's thoughts. So that's part of like the pre process to hiring someone is not just how does your nervous system sit with theirs, but letting yourself ask those questions like, do you think the group is better for me or one on one? And I'd like to think that I'm pretty good at helping people understand what would work best for them. Sometimes it's a toss up. Sometimes it's like, I think you could go either way.
Now, generally speaking, one on one is going to be more expensive than group work. So, you know, there are a lot of factors at play. But ultimately, it's like we want you to be able to be vulnerable to some extent, whatever level feels vulnerable to you right now. And you will know if a group or one on one is better for that.
Amber: So good. And to kind of circle back to something you said, like having a practitioner like you, I mean, obviously people are listening to you. A lot of people are going to want to talk to you is my feeling. And even if it's not you, picking someone like you who would be willing to be like, I don't know, I'm not just trying to sell you the most expensive thing that I have. You know, it's like I really want to pick something that works for you.
Denita: Yeah.
Amber: So you can get what you need.
Denita: That's what I like in a practitioner. Somebody who doesn't give me the feeling that they're just trying to sell.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: You know, and I think if you are observant enough, you'll know like you'll know, is this person just trying to sell me because they're trying to make money in their business? I mean, this is something we can use. Right. Just like our bodies give us so much information. I have had experiences where I'm like, oh, I really like that coach. And then I get a little closer and I'm like, oh, my body is saying no. And I'm like, dang it. I really like them.
And then maybe months later, I find out something about them. I'm like, oh, well, maybe that's why I didn't like them. Right? So your body can be sort of a thermostat in a lot of different ways. And especially when it comes to somatic work, because I can never know what's going on inside of you.
Amber: Right.
Denita: Right. So you have to find somebody that feels like, okay, I could tell them, oh, my heart is beating faster or I'm sensing this dark green sludge in my solar plexus. Weird things come up.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: I was in a session two days ago and I was like, it feels like my eyeballs are twisting inward, trying to look down at myself. My thought was this is so weird. I don't even want to say this out loud. It's so weird. That was the impression I got. And so I was like, okay, this feels weird to me, but I'm just going to say it.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: You just go with it. And so the more open and descriptive you can be, the more the practitioner can guide you and help you. But that does take a level of this is vulnerable.
Amber: Yeah. And it's like a dance. Right. I've noticed this with my clients and my coaches. Right. Like in the beginning, it's like it may be like we're getting used to each other and then we get into like a dance together and we go faster and not that faster is the goal, but you can move through the judgment of like my eyeballs are twisting in and looking at me like you're like, I'm just going to say this because I trust you. You can move through it.
Denita: Right. And that's why I love, like I have shorter containers, but I love to work with clients for a year because I love to really get to know them and their patterns. And sometimes I can just see what's happening and I'll be like, remember how we discovered this three sessions ago? I think this is happening again. You tell me if I'm wrong. Right. Like I'm always checking in with them. But the way I think about it is most of my women are about my age. Most my clients are women about my age. And we were practicing running away from the and, you know, coping mechanisms to push it down, whatever, for like 30, 35 years.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And so it's probably not going to get solved in 12 weeks.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And in fact, a year is really just a starting point. But I feel like it's shortish enough that you can commit to a year. But some people even a year is hard to commit to. So I also offer it like six months, three months. But ideally, it's like go in on yourself for a year and see what change is possible. I mean, I've been doing this somatic work for like two and a half to three years. I think it's been three years now because it's October. And I'm like, I'm gonna be doing this the rest of my life. Like, I just know this. I'm never going to stop.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Not something that's like one and done. It's just like more and more awareness, more and more like knowing your triggers and your patterns and knowing yourself. I do think there's an element we get to at a certain point where it's like we're more comfortable with ourselves. It's not like the pain of certain situations totally goes away. It's like wrapped in peace. That's how I think of it. Right. Like there's still painful things. But now it's wrapped in peace because I know how to meet myself. I know how to meet my own needs. I know how to seek the support that I need. Right. So that's a lot of the work.
Amber: So good. Really quickly, I want to honor your time. We've talked a lot about like the process of it, but like, what are the fruits of it? Do we think we're like, yeah, it's really scary sometimes to feel your feeling. But like, what's the I don't want to say goal because it's not really like a goal, but like the fruit, like what are the experiences? You would say something like, I'll do this for the rest of my life. Why?
Denita: Well, for me, I can't speak to everyone because it's probably going to be a little bit personal depending on the person. One of the biggest fruits has been a so much richer, deeper relationship with God, Jesus Christ, the Spirit.
Amber: Cool.
Denita: Like before doing this work, I can't even really describe it. But I can see how in my prayer practice, I used to sort of say my prayers. And now it's like I live my prayers. I embody my prayers. I imagine Christ like walking with me or sitting with me. And we're like in a conversation. And I don't think I could have done that before connecting with myself at this level. So that's one of the big fruits that I have found. Another fruit, I kind of hinted at it when I said, you know, sometimes there's still pain, but it's wrapped in peace.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: It's this like peace or confidence, maybe patience, like those kinds of feelings that before I would have said I never felt them.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: But now, it’s almost like a groundedness. I know myself. I went through an exercise with one of my coaches a couple of days ago, and I started with the intention of I want some answers in my business. Like I keep trying to make these decisions and then I pull back from them. I just don't know. I don't know what's next. And we go through basically a whole session of just somatic work. And by the end, I was like, I think I need to know what's next. So it's that shift.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Right. Of like my mind wanted to know. And now it's like my body can just be like, we'll be fine.
Amber: Oh, that's so good. That's so good.
Denita: And now I'm kind of curious. I'm like, oh, interesting. So I don't need to know. I wonder how this is going to play out. There's this level of like confidence and trust in yourself. Maybe that's what it is. It's trust. It's like a self-trust that I did not have before.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: And whatever happens in my life, I just know that I will be able to get through it. And it might be painful or might be joyful. But no matter what, I know how to ride those waves.
Amber: Yeah. You know, we're chatting on Zoom right now. But like every time I talk to you, like you feel very grounded to me. I mean, there might be like, I don't even know. You might have had an awful day today. And this is to me, the power of somatic work is you can be so present in this moment that it is okay if there are storms happening, which I think is like the biggest gift of somatic work is like that groundedness, that centricness, not in our minds, not like this power through like I have thought work. I'm going to manhandle this experience. It's like a true bodily experience of groundedness.
Denita: Yeah, I agree. I think it's this groundedness. I can sometimes get very flighty, very ungrounded. And it's more of like I know how to come back to it.
Amber: Come back. Yep.
Denita: Whereas I think before I didn't even know when somebody said, just ground in, I would be like, what are they talking about?
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Right. Like I didn't even know what that meant.
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Like, honestly, I went through a whole program and her goal was to help us be embodied coaches. And I was like, what do you mean? Right. And so it's kind of the idea of the house built on the rock, like you're saying, right, the storms can come. But when we're deeply connected to the rock, which could be a spiritual figure for me, it is. But it could also just be like an inner knowing. Then there's this core to us that no matter what's happening, like I can come back to that. I don't need to know. I can just feel safe or I can feel back into who I am. I think a lot of it has to do with identity and knowing who we are. I have to come back to that a lot of like, okay, what do I know? Who am I?
Amber: Yeah.
Denita: Right. Because I do want to be in my head a lot. That is my pattern. It's like trying to figure things out in my mind. And then I go, wait a second. Just go for a walk. Let's just.
Amber: Yeah. Oh, that's so good.
Denita: Shake off some of this energy and just come back to yourself. And that's what I didn't have as a child. Right. I didn't have a sense of self. I didn't have an ability to come back to anything. Everything felt up in the air and chaotic. And, you know, I had coping mechanisms for that, but there was never this consistent place that I could come back to. I could ground into, you know, that's what I think of when I think of like the peace that Christ offers. It's not necessarily like things are going to go the way we want them to. It's just that that core of the rock. Right. Which I think that's what we all want.
Amber: Yes.
Denita: We just want like a safe place that when everything feels really heavy and crazy that I can come back here and get a reprieve.
Amber: Yeah. And the whole point today was that's inside of you.
Denita: Yeah.
Amber: You create the environment, right? That's part of it. But it's also like going into your body to create that space. It's not somewhere else. I feel like to sum up our conversation, it's like instead of going to all these other places, you go on the inside, the one place that most people avoid.
Denita: Well, and my thought is, is that my spirit is a little drop of the ocean of God. So when I connect in with myself, I am connecting in with God.
Amber: So true.
Denita: Right. It's a little nuance and it I'm sure depends person to person, but that's what it feels like to me.
Amber: Yeah. It resonates. Well, Denita, this was mind blowing. And, you know, we talked about getting out of the mind, but it was. So thank you for sharing your time. I would love if you just tell people, like, if this resonated and they want to experience your work, where do they go? And how do they get connected with you? The best places to go to my website, DenitaBremer.com. I am on social media, but I have a love-hate relationship with social media. So I might not be there forever, which is why I say my website is the best. But I'm pretty much Denita Bremer everywhere, Instagram, Facebook.
Amber: And you have a podcast?
Denita: I do have a podcast. If I'm So Blessed, Why Can't I Feel Good?
Amber: The title of this episode.
Denita: Yeah. And we're finishing up. Today is day 31 of a 32 day series where I went through every single talk of April 2024 General Conference in preparation for this General Conference coming up. So people go there and they see a ton of like spiritual stuff. It's not my normal programming. Typically, I talk a lot more about like emotions and somatic work and trauma and that kind of thing, marriage and…
Amber: I’ll make sure I link your website up in the show notes so that people can just go to your website and then as they browse your podcast, they'll just know caveat. This is a normal program. We'll be back to our programming soon.
Denita: Yeah.
Amber: I love that initiative, too. So awesome. Okay, thank you so much. You are amazing.
Denita: Thank you.
