Amber: Hello and welcome back to the Conscious Coach podcast. I have a special person today. It's my husband Wesley, and I'm very excited to jump into a conversation with him and pull on some of the questions that you guys sent me. A while back, I posted on my stories on Instagram, what would you want me to ask Wesley if I bring him on my podcast? And so today we're going to jump into some of the questions that I have for him. I also have some fun things that we're going to talk about his life and his mentality about certain things from his work and his health, which we'll jump into later. For now, welcome to the podcast, Wesley.
Wesley: Thank you.
Amber: You've never been on my podcast.
Wesley: I've never been on your podcast, but excited to do it.
Amber: I know, me too. Ok well, first, let's start with what everyone wanted to know when I asked them on my social media, like when I was going to say, I'm going to interview you. They all wanted to know what you thought, one, about me being an entrepreneur now and especially like when I got started in my business. You can share whatever you feel.
Wesley: Yeah, that's a great question. I think separating those two out, we'll start with as you were first getting started. I think my perception of it, how I viewed you and supported you ties a lot back to the way we approached our marriage early on. I always got the support that I wanted for my personal life, my hobbies. I'm an avid outdoorsman. There's things that I like to do.
Amber from the very beginning supported me in those things and understood that was kind of my passion. That was something that was never going to work unless she had that support from me. And I understood that. And so when she came to me and talked about wanting to start a business, I fully supported it the same way because that's just the way I approach almost everything in life is if I expect to be supported in the things I'm passionate about and the things that I like to do, then I'm going to give that same support across to my partner in life so that she can know that I have her back and have that backing.
So that was the mentality behind it. I didn't really know all the details about what to expect, what it meant to really be an entrepreneur and to start a business, especially a coaching business. I just know that Amber had thoroughly been researching that avenue in our lives, especially at a time in our lives where money was a little tighter.
Amber: Okay. I was going to ask you about this. This is a story I talk about a lot on the podcast because I know what it's like to invest in yourself. And I've invested a lot into myself, but the first time I did it, I don't know if you remember this, but I was like stressed because it was like this $2,000 course. Do you remember?
Wesley: Oh yeah.
Amber: Okay. I would love to hear your take because I mean, we were still in a lot of debt and not making a lot of money. So I had to put that course on a credit card and it was like, are we going backwards? Is this okay? I would love to hear your side of things because I've told my side.
Wesley: Yeah. Especially early on in our marriage as someone who was very conscious of the financial situation. And I can honestly say that when Amber came to me with that opportunity and said, hey, this is something I want to do, something I want to invest in. I supported it immediately. And I don't just say that to say that.
That's honestly how I felt because the level of effort and research that I saw in our home was there. It wasn't just this shooting from the hip thing of like, I think I want to do this. It was conversations that we had leading up to that point. It wasn't just out of the blue. It was, I think if I make this investment, it could help me and help us in the long run. And yeah, I believed in it and supported it.
Amber: Yeah. I was super lucky. I remember you just saying, I support you if you want to do this. If you don't want to do it, that's different. But if you want to do this, I support you.
Wesley: Yeah. I remember seeing that passion, maybe for lack of a better term of like, knowing that this is going to make a difference for you. And that was just supported as time went on and that came to fruition, being able to see how that initial investment played out. And it just confirmed what I believe to be the case. So very cool to see it.
Amber: Thanks. You're the best. So what about now? I’m putting you on the spot.
Wesley: Now I'm just hoping you retire me. No, it's super cool to watch. And that early trend though, I think mattered of like, you presented an opportunity, wanting to invest in something specific and me supporting it. And it's incredible to watch time and time again, as you come up with an idea and as you put forth that level of effort into your business, into being an entrepreneur, I can see the success from it.
Even if it's not something that's right away, I know that's going to come around. I have complete confidence in it. So I don't hesitate at all supporting whether it's going to an intensive in a different state, the communication upfront and planning for that. I'm all about it. That's something that pretty consistent on and enjoy watching.
Amber: Yeah. The other thing that I've been talking about recently a lot was this concept of like quiet wealth. And it goes beyond business where it's like you have success in other areas of your life. I'm reminded of another conversation that we had that I think would be really useful for people listening when I can still remember it was like in our loft in the Sparks house.
And you said something and I can't remember exactly what you said. Maybe you can remember, but it was basically like, as long as business and financial success doesn't come before us, I'm good with it. I'm good with you going big basically.
Wesley: Yeah. That's something that was always super important to me because there's plenty of cases where people sacrifice, whether it's their significant other, their kids, their hobby becomes their obsession to the point where others suffer from it.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: And that's kind of where I draw the line. And I know it's different for everybody, but that was something that I felt like needed to be communicated upfront that me as your partner in life and as your husband, and that obviously our girls at the time, as long as we were the priority, then I was fully behind it and was ready to support it. I think a big part of that too, is the conversation we had immediately following that, that they're not mutually exclusive.
Like you don't have to choose between supporting us and prioritizing us as your family or your business, that you could do both. You had a vision to do both. That was something that I communicated early on as a priority that I have. And as long as that need was met and continues to be met, then I was all in on her.
Amber: Yeah, that was my next spicy question. I was like, how am I doing?
Wesley: Oh, fantastic.
Amber: Tell everyone live and me, just kidding. I've always told you like, guess who got divorced? And this isn't like to make anyone feel bad if you've been divorced, but like, I've seen so many people in the self-help coaching space that do get divorced. It was just sad to me, obviously without knowing details, especially women in power. It's like, I wanted to be a powerful woman, but like also have a powerful marriage and also be your wife. Not just like this badass in business, but a normal family life too.
Wesley: That's obviously something that I appreciate. And a big reason why this all works. Our girls are doing great. My needs are being met as a husband, as a partner. And so for that reason, I don't feel like we're on the back burner at all, which is very important to me and my needs and what I have in marriage and life and in general. You're doing fantastic.
Amber: I'll also say just to, I guess, brag about you a little bit. I've said this to clients too, is like, we really do have a partnership marriage where it's like Wesley does laundry. One, he does it better than me. Two, he does it… you probably do it as much as me. We do about 50-50. And like among other tasks in the house, it's like we both do what's required, both in like making money, because you do great at your job as well. And I take care of my business. And then in the house and with the girls, we have a true partnership.
Wesley: Yeah, for sure. Obviously it's different for everybody, but for me, for my needs, it's something we talked about early on as well, is if like I wanted things a certain way, I can't expect you to read my mind and just put these expectations on there that were never really communicated.
So for what it's worth, I'm good at doing laundry. I actually like it. Like my ideal situation, yeah, if you retire me, I'd be the best house husband ever. Especially once all the girls are gone and in school. That would be fantastic. Garden would look really good. Yard would look really good. Laundry would be not an issue at all.
Amber: You are a better house husband than I would be a house wife.
Wesley: I’m particular.
Amber: Yeah, he's very clean. It's awesome. To jump back into some of the questions, one of the other questions I got, separate than our relationship and like you supporting me, and I'll just say it too, one of the things that I walked through with some women is your husband is your first investor in your business, not just in money, because a lot of times it's the family funds when women start businesses, but also the belief. I was very lucky that you believed in me. I never felt like dissent. I never felt you're like, oh, that's a lot of money. I don't know. I believe in you. If you believe in it, I back you, which is very, very cool.
The next piece is what you believe about mindset. I said this on the podcast and to clients before that you have a very coachy mindset about like personal responsibility and communication and meeting your own needs so that you can meet other people's needs and how you see the world and just a lot of alignment that I had to learn from like books and getting coached and mentored because I kind of came up in the therapy world that was very different. So I guess what are your beliefs about mindset and like how you see the world from that perspective?
Wesley: Yeah. So I guess I can back it up a little bit. Maybe I'm jumping ahead because you had talked about health.
Amber: No, that's perfect.
Wesley: That's really where it all started for me. So Amber's probably mentioned this, but when I was nine years old, I was diagnosed with type one diabetes and I was never the type of kid that sat there and said, well, why me? I wish this wasn't real. I'm just gonna ignore this and it's going to go away. I live in reality. There's pros and cons to that, but I think there's way more pros. Early on as in that stage of having diabetes, it was, I know that I have this. I know I need to manage it. My mindset is, if I don't do it, no one will. And there's going to be consequences because of it. I flourish thinking about what is real and what is right in front of me.
Amber: And what you can control.
Wesley: And what I can control. Yeah. The accountability of that, that I put on myself, that's kind of transpired into other aspects of my life as well, where if you want to make a change, then decide to make the change and do it. Don't sit there and either suffer in silence or complain about something when it is completely within your control to either change what you're doing and control the outcome. Cause you can control the outcome.
You always have been able to, or you're just wanting to be uncomfortable for a while, put forth effort or willing to change and put forth that level of effort to make it change. Something I've had to work on over the years is sympathy and empathy. And if you're laughing, cause you know, probably have plenty of stories, but there are certain people that I feel really bad for that in my subjective mind have it worse off than I do.
But historically, if I believed that someone didn't have it as bad as me from a health perspective, I didn't want to hear them whine or complain or anything. It was, well, what are you going to do about it?
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: That came across as cold or maybe harsh a little bit, but at the same time, through understanding, having conversations with other people, I've kind of softened my tone a little bit, being able to use a little bit better emotional intelligence in those situations while at the same time, being able to have a hard conversation because I care about this person.
Amber: Yeah. And to speak truth to truth.
Wesley: Yeah true. I mean, I've been referred to even by family members that I'm an asshole too.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: Because I love them enough to have a hard conversation. The way I look at it is if you say things that you don't actually believe to them, whether it's to protect them or whether it's to make them feel better, you're not doing them any favors.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: If you love them enough, and obviously the setting matters, never do this in public, in front of other people, the setting has got to be right. The conversation leading up to that also has to be right. But if you love someone enough, you need to tell them the truth. Because if you don't, you're actually lying to them. And that's the way I see the world in that lying is not helping them out. So a lot of it's situational awareness.
I'm not saying just go out and be completely mean and blunt to somebody to their face in every setting that you have, or make it a point to call somebody out for something they're wrong about in public. But when the setting's right, when the conversation is right, being honest just goes a long way. And not being afraid to speak that truth.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: In the end, I've had people thank me for it. I've had people hate me for it. It's just knowing the timing, the place, and a specific topic, while at the same time not forgetting empathy for what they're going through.
Amber: Yeah. The funny example that I have is I love friends who would tell me like, hey, you have something in your teeth. You do that at a very high level. I'm grateful for it because I'm a people pleaser by, I would say, nurture, but also just like, I have a deep desire to be liked. One of the things that I'm personally working on is telling myself the truth. And I think that's, to me, watching you and hearing stories of when you were a kid, too.
And I'd love to hear your take on this. When I met Wesley's mom, one of the first stories that I heard about Wesley was how when he got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, he refused to leave the hospital until he could give himself a shot. And he was nine. That's like a high level of personal accountability and responsibility because you tell yourself the truth. And I've learned a lot about that from you, how you live your life. I think you can tell other people the truth, and you like hearing the truth from other people because you tell yourself the truth.
Wesley: Well, yeah, for sure. I would look at that as freedom. And as cheesy as that sounds, knowing and understanding the truth, or knowing and understanding where people are coming from, you don't have to second guess. You don't have to let insecurity creep in, whether it's for yourself and the way you evaluate yourself. That example of using the shot before I left the hospital, as a nine-year-old logical thinker who lived in reality, that equaled freedom for me. That equaled me being able to take care of myself and open up doors. And I understood that as a nine-year-old. Does that answer your question?
Yeah. I would say another way that that played into mindset as well is I realized the value of taking care of number one. And that's something we talked about quite a few times and something that's starting to make sense to a lot of people. I can be the best husband and father if I'm in a good place, that my needs are met. Everyone's different. And that's the cool part about life is that maybe your needs aren't as extensive as mine, and maybe mine aren't as extensive as yours, and that's okay.
You just need to understand yourself and be in a good personal relationship with yourself to know when your cup is full, you can go and you can be a better husband. You can be a better father. You know, when you can say, hey, I just need a little bit of time to recover. I need a little bit of time to take care of myself. And then life is just better overall. So prioritizing number one has always gone a long way and just positively affects your relationship.
I think a lot of people wear themselves down, whether it's the image, whether it's the culture they were raised in. This, hey, look at me, look what I'm doing. I'm wearing myself out for my kids or for my spouse. They wear it on their face or they wear it in their personality. And the reality is, is you should prioritize yourself, take care of yourself and you'll be that on the board.
Amber: I have a funny story. I haven't thought about this in a long time, but early in our marriage, Wesley might say this nicer, but like I can say it cause it was me. I really wanted Wesley to pity me for how hard motherhood was. I didn't say it that way, but like I would have a hard day. And it's not that you didn't love me and have compassion, but you refused to buy into like the victim's story. This is before I found coaching, but I wanted Wesley to feel bad for me.
And he wouldn't, he just like, doesn't go there. Cause he's like, what are you doing? Just take care of number one, basically. And we didn't get in a fight about it, but I remember like disagreeing, like, well, moms can't take care of number one. And you're like, that's not true. You have to take care of number one. And I remember being like, no, I had this belief in my mind that like, because I put my babies first, that made me a good mom or something. But then I would wear this like tired, bitter face.
You know what I mean? I'm sure you'd come home and see like how tired I was and how frustrated. Especially before I found my outlet of like business and personal development, I felt very trapped. And it was hard for me, you guys, like it was really hard for me because I wanted you to be like, oh babe, I'm so sorry. It's so hard. But you never gave that to me. And I'm so glad you didn't because now I don't even want that. But I realized how much I wasn't taking responsibility and like what this looked like in our marriage, just so maybe we can paint people a picture.
It’s like I ask for when I need time alone. And so do you. We're honest about it. Cause I used to not be honest. Right. Where I would be like, no, I'm fine. I'm good. I don't need time alone. I don't need to go away or whatever. And you were like, okay. You would take what I said at face value. Cause that's how you speak. What do you always say? I say what I mean and I mean what I say.
Wesley: Hundred percent.
Amber: Right. And so we've developed that in our marriage. So it's like when he says, hey, do you need alone time? And I say, no, I am not lying. If I really need it, I need to speak up because that's truth telling in our relationship. I learned all that from you.
Wesley: One of the more frustrating things for me in my life is when I feel like I'm a pretty clear communicator. And I tell people exactly what I want or what I need and they either don't believe me or keep asking me, are you sure?
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: It's like, yeah, I'm telling you because that's exactly what I need. And I know that's a skill that's learned over time. But even going back to our marriage, like those questions that I'd asked and we've been married long enough now to kind of be able to read each other and understand when that time's needed. And when we check in with each other and I say, hey, do you need that alone time? You need to take this Saturday. It's like an Amber day, whatever the case might be. I'm not asking, being facetious at all.
It's literally, hey I got your back. If you need some time away from the girls or for you to go do something, go do it. Like unwind and I'm happy to sit here and do whatever needs to be done. And you do the same for me. I can say, hey, I need to hit the hills this Saturday and just go look around or hike or whatever the case may be. And I know I have that support. Pretty cool.
Amber: Even like, sometimes it's like when you come home, because like you work a pretty demanding job, your schedule alone is very demanding, which we could talk about too. Like sometimes you need to lay down. It's funny because like other people that I talk to, whether that's family or friends, sometimes there's like this secret resentment bill because they say it's okay when it's really not. Maybe we used to have that.
I think on my end, like the secret resentment because I wasn't voicing my needs, but like I genuinely don't have that where there's these secret things that I think and feel that I try not to say. So it's like we really do ask for what we need because we are taking care of number one. You're taking care of you and I'm taking care of me. And like, it's not that we don't engage and support each other, but it's like you said, like my cup is full first.
Wesley: For sure. I think so much of that starts with the idea of clear communication of knowing what you need and being willing to say what you need. Communication just goes. It doesn't matter if it's in your personal relationship or your business life, working with clients potentially, like you clearly communicate your needs, your expectations, your struggles. It's just that much easier for the people you're working with or for or in life partnership with to be able to help you out. I can't even stress that enough. The value of communicating or even over communicating in some cases, it does nothing but help.
Amber: It does nothing but help, especially like we're very compatible and we are very different.
Wesley: Super different.
Amber: Yeah. So one of the things that I often will share is like, if you're very different, you really need more communication because you think differently. We have a huge overlap, but we also like, as an example, I'm a very big picture thinker and you're very in the day to day. So sometimes I think I drive Wesley nuts probably. We've worked on it. We've worked on it.
Wesley: It helps me because now I know how your mind works and so I don't have to go to a place where I'm not necessarily comfortable or strong with that.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: We're in this together. Amber's thinking big picture. Then we'll check in with each other.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: And process together. So I think it's helpful.
Amber: But we've learned to navigate it because we talk so openly and we're very honest.
Wesley: Yeah it's not like, hey, Wesley, why aren't you thinking big picture?
Amber: No. Yeah.
Wesley: That's not the way those conversations.
Amber: Yeah. Kind of just to reiterate, we ask for what we need, but we're willing to like collide with hard conversations because coming from a place of love and devotion and loyalty, it's not like we're going to collide because we're at odds. It's like we're on the same team.
We're going to collide because you maybe have a different perspective. We're going to talk through it.
Wesley: Yeah, for sure.
Amber: Yeah. So one of the other questions, and this is more personal, and I think it would be helpful in that radical responsibility. Like one of the things that's interesting that I think just for people to know it's available is like if you don't complain. I've never heard you complain about diabetes. I've never heard you complain about like, I mean, you wake up freaking early to go to work and you're gone at work long hours. And that's our norm now.
Wesley: Yeah. I mean, I wake up two hours earlier than I need to for work. I have my routine and my process.
Amber: Yeah. But you take ownership. Like when we were talking about taking ownership and like mindset, you also prepare yourself to have a perspective that's positive. So like listening to music, you give yourself time in the mornings and you don't feel rushed out the door. Like you're very aware of what makes you feel best.
Wesley: Yes.
Amber: I would love just from your perspective, how you go about making those decisions, routines.
Wesley: You hinted at a lot of it. Just over the years and throughout my life, I realized that I'm going to tie back to diabetes, as weird as that sounds.
Amber: Yeah. It's a huge part of your life.
Wesley: I'm going to go a little bit medical nerd to an extent. And for some people, maybe you understand this, other people won't resonate, but everything was super structured and planned when I was younger to the point where if I was going to eat a specific meal, I had to have it completely measured out the amount of carbs, the amount of protein, the amount of insulin I was going to take. And I was like, I'll only be taking a half hour in advance.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: So there's constant preparation in order to feel good. I think I was able to connect that pretty early in my life that for me, the preparation and the understanding or having a plan, because I'm not super sporadic. Shocker. I tried to be better about it just to make things interesting, but it's forced. I would say that habit that I got into early in life set the tone for how everything else is.
So for example, as Amber mentioned, I work pretty crazy hours. So I worked for a general contractor building data centers. And for all intents and purposes, I'm in the construction industry, working for a big general contractor. Typically I'm at work around 6am every day. I can't just wake up, roll out of bed and go straight to work. My whole day would be ruined. I feel like I'm forgetting something. I don't have the time to process and ease my way into the day. Plus I like to work out a little bit in the mornings because I know by the time the day is over, I have zero energy, too tired. Would rather hang out with you. So I've identified how I function best and that's waking up an hour and a half to two hours before I'd have to, to rush off to work. So most days I'm by 3:45/4am and your body acclimates. You get used to it. But there's days where I might not even necessarily work out, but I'm sitting down there just processing, mentally preparing for my day. I have my driving to work to also listen to music, get that energy and become upbeat. I mean overall, most people who know me think I'm a pretty happy, positive person. That's typically the interaction.
Amber: Because you choose it.
Wesley: Because I choose it. Yeah. By the time I get home, it's pretty tired because you feel like you have to be on all the time. The thing that I've learned too, especially having younger kids is you can't just be dead by the time you get home.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: It's a conscious choice that like my girls, my wife deserved that happy side of me as well. And it's not like it's forced or I'm pretending, but it is a conscious decision that like, hey, regardless of what happened today at work, it's what they deserve. The girls deserve to see dad in a happy, upbeat mood, not somebody who's just dragging around saying, oh, I'm so exhausted from work. I don't want to do anything because what messages I send to them or how do they view me or what does that represent?
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: That conscious effort, you have the time to unwind a little bit on the drive home. But by the time that's done and the girls go to bed, yeah, it's pretty tired.
Amber: Yeah. You're a very intentional person. And when I met you, I remember you being like, my purpose is I'm going to be a husband and a father. And it's interesting because my dad is very much, and I'm like this too, like my purpose is big. So it's like not big as in like, I'm going to make this global impact, but it's like wife, mom, content creator, coach, business owner. Like it is expansive or I feel like yours is very dialed in like provider and protector for the family.
Wesley: Yeah. I mean, I even thought about that. You asked me would you introduce yourself? And I was thinking well what would I say? I know what I would say. I’d say that I’m Wesley Amber's husband. I'm a husband and father. If I introduce myself, it's not, Hey, I'm a professional who worked for a general contractor, built data centers. It rarely comes up because that's not my identity. People that are super into that, nothing wrong with that at all. I'm not judging it. I'm not even saying it's bad. That's just not mine. So that's something that I do. It's one of the things that needs to happen for me to be a good provider. But at the same time, I wouldn't tie my identity to that at all.
Amber: Yeah. It's like the core, like our relationship is number one, then the girls and you see work as a way to provide for those relationships. It's not really like you don't have a lot of ego about it. I remember when I first started making money and I was like, Oh, it's like a possibility that like Wesley at some point might not want to or have to work. Would you be interested in it? You're like, oh yeah. It was almost like you didn't have any ego about like corporate world or titles. Like you had no ego about that.
Wesley: Yep. As far as it affects the whole life and everything like that, no ego. I'm competitive by nature and I like gold stars. I function well with gold stars. So within the job, I am ambitious and I like to get that recognition.
Amber: Yeah. And you work really hard.
Wesley: Yep. But as far as my identity or would I be super torn up if I had to give up my career? No, that's just not me personally. I'd be okay with it.
Amber: I think it makes you really unique because some people might hear that and be like lazy, but that's not the reality at all. You work really hard and you're amazing at your job, but it's not where you get your sense of identity from.
Wesley: No. Yeah. That's a good distinction that it is possible to not have an identity tied into your work or your job, but at the same time be super successful with it. It can be something super lucrative as well.
Amber: Yeah. His work loves him. Which is awesome. I think you do a really good job. I always tell people you're my truth teller. You're very grounded because one of the things that I'm very gifted at is being visionary so I can see what's possible. But I feel like in any part of anything in life, relationships, business, money, parenting, you have to have one foot in reality and one foot in possibility. I feel like that's what makes us a good team is that I'm very rooted in possibility and you are very rooted in reality and we have shared that and have both developed skills in both. You've become more possibility driven and I've also become more reality driven as we've obviously been married for 11 years now.
Wesley: Yeah. I really like that. We figured out how that works and how we can complement each other with that. I actually had an interesting conversation with one of the vice presidents of my company. We're talking about some business opportunities and we're chasing a couple of projects that are three to $5 billion projects, which is pretty big in the construction world. And as you're brainstorming and coming up with plans for some of these big things, you got to be different. You got to be innovative. As I was chatting with this vice president, I made the comment that like, just to your point, you know would I fit in reality?
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: I hear all these big ideas and I'd go, well, they're not interesting in that. That's not even realistic. They probably want to know bottom line dollars and how we can get them their products the fastest and within budget. The comment he made back, and I think it's a good business principle across the board is like, don't sell yourself short. Don't say you're not an idea person because it's just a muscle.
Some people work it out all the time and are super good at it and other people rarely use it at all, but it's still there. And so being able to understand that in a marriage especially is probably one of the more sad things where you hear examples of, say someone, whether it's one of your clients or somebody else has this idea to start up a business and in return, their husband is so grounded and so realistic, they crush the dream early. Or like you have a little kid who says, I want to be a video game programmer.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: And you got that grandparent or you got a parent who was like, video games, you can't make money playing video games. These are real life examples that we've seen.
Amber: People make literally millions of dollars. That's crazy.
Wesley: You look at one of the more successful entrepreneurs in Utah and he built gaming computers. So I've been able to learn that and take a step back and say, just because me as the person who's not an entrepreneur, my human need is stability. I live in reality. I have a health condition where I need good benefits and health insurance. Just because I live in that sphere does not mean I can't support and have a shared vision with you as an entrepreneur. And that often is out of communication.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: Like if you're thinking about starting up a business or you're questioning whether or not your significant other supports your business, start communicating that.
Amber: One of the things that I share with women too is like, you can't expect your husband to believe more than you do. You have to have the belief. He can support it, there's a difference between me coming to you and being like, I have this idea. I feel really good about it. What do you think? Versus, I don't know, this is what I'm thinking about. What should I do? It's a very different interview.
Wesley: Yeah, they're completely different.
Amber: I come to you with a lot of certainty in my ideas.
Wesley: This is my idea. This is what I'm going to do. And that confidence goes a long way. The communication of how you're going to do it and what support you need from me. Once again, for me, going back to career communication, it helps me so much to understand what your vision is. And in turn, you have that confidence, so it's easy for me to support. I feel bad for the people, whether it's the women who are trying to start up a business who don't have that support. And trying to figure out like, hey, how do you get your significant other on board with it? Everybody's wired different, but at the same time, that's kind of sad to hear about.
Amber: It is sad. And what I would tell them is give him proof then, because that helps the mind. And it doesn't have to be huge proof. It's like, go make $2,000 and be like, I took a course for $100 and I made $2,000. That is proof.
Wesley: Digital investment big time.
Amber: Right. I've invested lots of tens of thousands of dollars into my own coaching, mentorship, books, masterminds, traveling. You support it, but it wasn't like, hey, I'm going to spend all this money. I have no track record of success. It was like, I grew the muscle so that you grew your faith and belief too at the same time.
Wesley: Yeah, I think that's really well put.
Amber: But it started with a small decision.
Wesley: Yeah. But like I said, it goes way back before entrepreneurship was even a thing for you. I think we had that trust and that communication in our relationship early to where when the time came for you and you came to me and said, hey, this is something I want to do, here's how I'm going to do it. Going back to the early part of our conversation, knowing that we already had that established, I already had that faith and belief like, yeah, I mean, let's do it. I know you can do it, but I know how driven you are and I know how you approach your business and very intentional and we'll see the results of it. Gold witness.
Amber: Thanks. You're the best. So some other questions I have, actually, I was going to bring this up because one of the things that is interesting is even though I had to develop my mindset stuff, it seemed you weren't born with it, but you developed it pretty young. A strong mindset of personal responsibility, that's something we try and teach our kids. And that was the other thing that I wanted to talk about with, sometimes it's frustrating for you and I, me and Wesley often talk about this thing. I think we're the happiest people we know.
Wesley: Yeah.
Amber: But we are. And so we want our kids to be happy and we want to give them the tools, the frameworks and the way of thinking about life so that they can be happy too by taking responsibility. And so sometimes it's frustrating for me.
Wesley: Oh, for sure.
Amber: Because whether that's influenced by peers, friends, teammates, where it's like whether they complain or they say something like, I can't do it. It's frustrating for us. But I'm just curious your take on that, how you see parenthood, where we want to impart the lessons that we've learned to kids.
Wesley: Yeah, for sure. Backtracking just a little bit before I answer the question of like us being the happiest people. I have a brother who came to visit and stay with us and pull me aside and goes, it's all real. You guys aren't putting on a show or anything like you guys are genuinely happy. I've never seen you guys ever fight. I know that's not the case for everybody, but we genuinely are happy.
And we figured out what works for us in a couple. I'll keep saying this time and time again, everybody's different, but the reality is you figure out what works for you as a couple. And that's where I like to be. I like to be in that place. I function best when I know Amber's in a good spot and most importantly our relationships in a good spot. So going back to the parenting part, the mindset and trying to figure out the emotional side of things for me.
I live in logic. I live in reality. That's something I had to learn over time and figure out how to change the message to each one of our kids. Because each one of our kids is different and how their motivators are different in life, in school, in athletics. We both grew up playing competitive sports year round, traveling teams, things like that. And so watching our kids, number one is like the coachability standpoint. Trying to drive things in their heads, like don't know it all. That's okay that you don't know it all. You got to be coachable and you got to be able to learn and things like that.
Amber: Yeah. And it's okay not to be amazing when you first try something.
Wesley: Yes.
Amber: Especially the younger generation. I mean, we grew up without Facebook, obviously, without Google. So we did not have instant gratification, whereas they could find out any answer. They can look up any video. They don't have to watch ads. They don't have to listen to radio commercials. And so I feel like it's in their mind, like they want it now. And coachability is so important for things that don't come right away. You have to submit to the process.
Wesley: Yeah. I mean, our kids are expert YouTubers even at this point, which you can look up whatever trick it is or whether it's like, they're playing soccer. Being able to YouTube some of these soccer videos, then they go out on the field for the first time and expect to be able to perform at a level because they saw it on YouTube. It's like, no, it's a process. You haven't seen all the work that went out to that.
Amber: In reality.
Wesley: And people listen to this and us, we understand that. But a kid doesn't necessarily understand that in today's day and age. Going back to like my perspective on teaching our kids, coaching our kids, helping them get to a point where they're comfortable with the development.
I think once again, it goes back to knowing every kid's different.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: Our oldest is different from our middle kid who's different from our youngest. And they look similar in a lot of ways, but their personalities can be more different. Being patient with it. I think that's the thing that I learned more than anything is patient with myself. But more importantly, like patient with them. They're wired different than me. And being able to speak the language that resonates with them while at the same time, holding them accountable.
Amber: Yes.
Wesley: So not giving them a pass, but understanding there's clear expectations, clear communication upfront, and then not being lazy with it.
Amber: It's interesting as we're still in the young kid phase, but not in the baby phase, which is kind of interesting. As our girls get older, they have learned to work our system too, especially Tegan, who's eight. I noticed you will tell her something and she can repeat it back to you later. And she knows the expectation.
Wesley: Yep.
Amber: Not that she's perfect, we don't expect her to be perfect, but she can communicate very well. And I attribute it a lot, one, to you because you're a very quick communicator and just how we parent in the home in general. We have very clear communication with her so she can clearly communicate back. If you guys ever meet Tegan, some of you have met Tegan, she came to my abundance workshop. She's an amazing communicator.
Wesley: Yeah.
Amber: She can articulate her feelings and she can make distinctions like, I'm not feeling angry, I'm feeling frustrated. I'm not feeling angry, I'm sad, or I'm disappointed. And she'd been able to do that since she was like five. When we can communicate clearly about our feelings and our thoughts, it just makes our family life smooth over because we can get to the root of stuff.
Wesley: Yeah. I think a lot of it too goes back to this whole idea of the golden versus platinum rule of treating others how they want to be treated while at the same time not sacrificing the principle of accountability. So I grew up a super critical thinker, probably drove my mom nuts.
Amber: You did drive your mom nuts.
Wesley: Yeah. I was her trouble kid. I always want to know why.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: And I have kids that are wired the same way. And so being a critical thinker of just about everything, if you explain the why to me, it makes sense. Historically, people have said like, when you put people on the stand or I'm asking tough questions, it's really just because I'm trying to understand. My kids do the same thing. So what I've learned with them is if you're looking for a specific result, if you explain the why even to little kids, little kids are smart.
Amber: They are.
Wesley: If I can explain the why to them in a way that makes sense to them, then the result of what I'm trying to get across is just so much better. But if it doesn't make sense and I'm not patient enough to give them the why, of course, I'm not going to get the result that you're looking for. “Because I said so,” is not going to work. You know, never has words. I'd say that principle applies across the board to people too.
Like if you're able to articulate your why and you can explain your reasoning or your passion behind something, then it's just so much smoother as far as expectations and relationship go. And some people might not think that that's necessary. They might say, I shouldn't have to explain anything to you. That's fair. That's your right to think that or say that. But at the same time, it's just that much smoother if you can.
Amber: Yeah. And I think it develops a relationship. Like I watch our girls respond to you because they trust you to tell them why, because that's the groundwork that you've established with them. The other thing is they have learned to say why back. Why they do something.
And sometimes they don't know, which is fair. Like, I don't know why I touched the door with my dirty chocolate fingers.
Wesley: I literally told you not to do that two seconds ago.
Amber: But for a lot of things, we do have a reason why, even if it's I wanted to. So it's like you help them understand their own psychology by shining the light back on them because you always know why you do things.
Wesley: Yeah. I can explain just about every decision or the reasoning behind most of my actions. I'm not super impulsive.
Amber: No.
Wesley: Everything's pretty calculated. A lot of conversations I've had before I ever get there doesn't mean that's how I go. But I mentally prepare for those and cross bridges way early, which adds stress and anxiety in some ways.
Amber: Right.
Wesley: But at the same time, it's rare that I'm caught off guard or have to be impulsive with any of it.
Amber: Yeah. Like anything, there's like the duality, right?
Wesley: Yeah. For sure.
Amber: But I think the fruit of it. So there can be duality where I think you experience more anxiety. I would agree. More than me for sure.
Wesley: Yeah, for sure.
Amber: But you've never been in a situation where you haven't thought about it and prepared for it.
Wesley: Correct.
Amber: Or very rarely. Maybe not never.
Wesley: But it’s rare, yeah.
Amber: You like to be really ready for any conversation or situation.
Wesley: And you get to hear all about it.
Amber: I do.
Wesley: Hey, here's what I'm thinking about. Here's all these bridges I'm crossing way in advance. What are your thoughts? And then typically, well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. And I have to cross it now. I have to understand that process now so that I'm prepared when the time comes. Like you said, pros and cons, duality to it.
Amber: I think the other thing is, does it produce the results that you want? I think that's also how we live our life. Is this producing the results in reality that we want? And if not, we're going to change it.
Wesley: Yeah. You can't sit there and drive yourself crazy. If your human need is security and you keep stressing yourself out over something that's either insecure or undecided, you can either keep living with that insecurity and keep being stressed out, or you can take action and get ahead of it and be intentional with your decisions and be at peace about it. So that's something I've learned from you is controlling. Don't just sit there and live with this anxiety about a specific decision. Play it out. And if you can't, take a step back and then just be patient.
Amber: Yeah. I think about the, I'll call it synonymous, but it's like the serenity prayer. Basically, the distinction is like, help me know what I can control and help me know what I can't control.
Wesley: Yeah.
Amber: If I can control it, I'm going to go all in on everything that I possibly can. And if I can't control it, I let it go.
Wesley: Yeah, I love it.
Amber: Well, you're amazing. Thanks for coming on my podcast for the first time.
Wesley: Of course.
Amber: Is there anything else that you wished I asked you?
Wesley: No, I think this is a pretty good conversation. I think you probably read some stuff about me or maybe you didn't, maybe you knew all this already.
Amber: I kind of knew it all.
Wesley: Yeah.
Amber: It's not like we talk about this stuff ever or anything.
Wesley: Never. No.
Amber: One of the things that I appreciate about you is you're very self-aware. It's rare, especially outside of like in the coaching industry, like we call non-coaches civilians or like muggles.
Wesley: I am them.
Amber: Like a word that like, you're not in this world, but like you have different vocabulary, but you're very self-aware for not being in like a self-help career. I mean, you're in leadership though, so I think you kind of have to be.
Wesley: I think that's a key point that I should hit on, even though we're wrapping up, is that the way I've approached life is very much aligned with the life coach approach.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: From what you've taught me and what you understood. And so when you talk to me about life coaching, what it was, wanting to start a business. Obviously that resonated with me because that's already how I live.
Amber: Right.
Wesley: I think if you want to make a change, you can make a change, do it. Yeah. You don't have to sit back and either suffer inside. You control the outcome. Life coaches, from my understanding, that's their message. It's like, if you want change, you know, be that change.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: If you want it bad enough, take action on it. You don't have to sit back and wait to process it over and over. You can change today if you want to.
Amber: Yes. Because new thoughts, new beliefs, literally new action, new result. That's how it goes.
Wesley: And I think that's super cool about your industry.
Amber: Yeah.
Wesley: The message that you're spreading, that is possible. That it doesn't have to be the super long drawn out process that you wanted to meet. Be intentional and make it immediate.
Yeah. That is a cool message.
Amber: And that self-awareness, radical self-responsibility all definitely plays a role. Well, thanks for coming on my podcast.
Wesley: Of course.
Amber: You're the best. Okay. Bye guys.
