Hey you guys. Welcome back to the podcast. I hope you enjoyed those three days of the Abundant Coach Masterclass. I'm excited to be live with you, kind of. I'll explain more about that in a second, chatting with you on the podcast. So today, I'm introducing a new segment of the podcast that we're doing where I'm actually coaching live, kind of recorded.
You get to listen to the recording where I coach some of my clients from my different programs. I invite them to a one-on-one call with me and we just record and we have a one-on-one session together. And you get to be like a fly on the wall, and I know it'll be very helpful for you.
Some of the feedback I get from my programs is that some people will listen to other people getting coached and they will receive their own insight or aha or breakthrough, just by observing someone else being coached. And I hope, that is the point, that is my hope for this segment of the podcast that you'll listen to me coaching someone and that you will benefit from it. And so I'm very excited to introduce our first one, which is my client, Sarah.
Sarah's a member of the Miracle Mind, she's a relationships coach, and as you'll hear in our conversation, she wants to be coached on money, but our conversation meanders and we coach on consults and trust and abundance, seeing people in their power and I'm really excited to share this conversation with you. So without further ado, let's join me and Sarah's conversation now.
Amber: Okay. Hi Sarah.
Sarah: How's it going?
Amber: I am great. So excited to have you. Thank you for saying yes when I asked, as a part of coaching podcast.
Sarah: Oh my goodness. Of course. How could I not.
Amber: So excited. Okay. What are we working on today?
Sarah: I would love some coaching around money and my money beliefs and seeing myself in my power as like my services are valuable and worth a lot of money, 'cause they change people's lives. And also like, not deciding before I meet somebody or right when I meet them, whether or not they can afford me. You know, all of that.
Amber: So I'm curious in what you just said. You want to see it that way? How do you see it right now?
Sarah: I'm just making a lot of assumptions about people.
Amber: About people you meet?
Sarah: Uhhuh. I just moved to a new town and so I am meeting a lot of people and, oh my goodness. This is so interesting as I say it out loud, it's almost like there's a little bit of, shame might be too strong of a word, but just like embarrassment, like I don't wanna talk to them about my prices.
Amber: So you're talking to people about coaching?
Sarah: Yeah. It comes up a lot.
Amber: So they're like, how much do you charge? Like are they like …
Sarah: That's so funny, you know?
Amber: Okay, so this is all happening in your head?
Sarah: This is all happening in my head. Like when people ask me about what I do for a living, I've started saying a relationship coach. And it's mind blowing to me how interested people are when I say that, versus a life coach. I think they just know what I'm talking about, you know?
Amber: Yeah. I love it.
Sarah: Whereas life coach, I didn't realize it before, but a lot of people dunno what that is.
Amber: Yeah. So you're having more conversations and while you're having the conversation you have your own like inner dialogue.
Sarah: And it kind of sounds like “I hope they don't ask me about my price.” That's what's
Amber: Wow.
Sarah: Okay, what is that about? It's almost like I think I need to warm them up. And then there's this other part of me that's like, I just need to plaster it all over my website so I don't have to have this awkward conversation 'cause I for sure have already decided in my head that they're gonna think it's too much.
Amber: And you're assuming that they're ready to be a client.
Sarah: Oh yeah. Okay, tell me more about that. What?
Amber: Not that they're not a client, it's just interesting to me that you're like, oh, they're asking me about coaching, they're for sure gonna ask how much I charge. But we don't know that. It's almost like you're on a first date and they're like, oh my gosh, I hope he doesn't ask me to marry him, you know what I mean? Like who said he was.
Sarah: It’s like so what I'm doing.
Amber: It's okay. Like we're observing with a lot of love, because you're using different language with the relationship coach, you're getting more interest probably than you're used to, which is awesome. Like it's such a good thing. And there's still, we use the word pure potentiality. These people, even though they're interested, what if we just saw them as like, maybe.
Sarah: Hey, can we dive more into that? Because that is exactly what I want. Okay, so what's the opposite of pure potentiality? Is it scarcity? Is it like this graspy-ness?
Amber: Limited? I would say. Like there’s a limited number.
Sarah: Yeah. Oh my goodness, that like totally hits.
Amber: It's like if the person you're talking to at the grocery store doesn't become your client, there are no other people that could become your client. And I know that you don't think that's true, but I wonder if that's kind of the default thinking that you got into.
Sarah: Oh, totally. Like I just had this image of a child who's the balloon, that let go of the balloon. I'm like, she can't get it back. And she thinks there's no other balloons anywhere and she's freaking inside.
Amber: Which is normal because they're right in front of you. Right? This person is like literally asking you what do you do as a relationships coach? And you're like, let me tell you, it's life changing. But I think the mistake would be or if this woman doesn't become a client, there are none else. Like there's nothing else that I can do or sign or find.
Sarah: Yeah. This is my chance.
Amber: Which isn't true. Not that they can't become the client, but you're not limited to that person either. It's not mutually exclusive.
Sarah: Okay, so what I want is to just see people in their power and just shine my light. And like I feel like I'm doing that. I used to kind of separate them, like, oh, there's this Sarah, and then there's this Sarah, you know? And I am getting better and better at not doing that anymore.
But then I also wanna like stand firm when people do ask to work with me. To be like so solid on like why this is amazing. Like, I'm imagining a lighthouse right now that's like, I don't know, maybe I should move because maybe you don't, like no, I'm just like solid. And if you want the light, I would love to work with you, and if you don't, that's fine.
Amber: Yeah. I think there's two things that you're bringing up. I think there's that where it's like, I wanna be this solid, steady, light force for good and the right people will find me move toward me. That's like meeting people at the grocery store or the gym, right?
And having powerful conversations telling them that this is what you do, this is who you are, this is how you help. And then the money piece, seeing people in their power, it's a different conversation when they are asking, how do I work with you? Specifically. Two different almost realms of what we do as coaches.
Sarah: So can we talk about the second realm?
Amber: Yes. The money realm. Like asking for the sale.
Sarah: Yeah. Because I think, even though I'll like get in my head, I can bring myself back to I know how to see people in their power. I know how to like have powerful conversations. I know how to just love people. But it's the money conversation that is, I feel like I'm like tripping.
Amber: Yeah. What's coming up?
Sarah: Well I had a consult recently with a woman and it went great. Actually, when I say that out loud, I'm like, I can see things before we ever started talking about money where I was like not seeing her in her power. I'm telling myself it started when she asked me my price, but it started before then.
Amber: So this is an audio, people can't see you, but I see you looking up to the right, almost like you're imagining something specific. What are you seeing or like, what are you remembering?
Sarah: Oh, that's such a good observation. In the consult, she was talking about a relationship that she wanted help with. And I like, let her go on longer than I would have, and in my mind I was thinking she won't understand this. Like I dropped seeing her in her power versus being like the powerful coach that I am and like pulling her back and being like, kind, wait, wait, wait. I'm gonna stop you right here. Let me show you what's going on for you. And then allowing her to have her own experience with that, with what I'm telling her. It was like I was handling her like, not entirely, but like with kid gloves a little bit.
Amber: What were you afraid of?
Sarah: Is it like that she would get mad at me or get defensive maybe? It was probably some version of that, like some version of, she's not gonna like this.
Amber: Was it like a coaching question that you could have asked or like maybe even like a leadership where you like stepped in, like, that's enough.
Sarah: It was a leadership thing. Yeah. It was like if I had been seeing her and myself and my power, I would've been like, okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. Let me just show you what I see is going on in your brain.
Amber: What happened instead?
Sarah: Like I let her bathe in this sob story. I just let her feed it. It was like I validated it by not telling her the truth, even though I didn't say, that must be so hard. It was like the silence was this validation.
Amber: Or agreement.
Sarah: Oh my goodness. Silence is agreement.
Amber: Sometimes.
Sarah: Yeah, it can be.
Amber: Or perceived agreement. Even though you didn't agree, she didn't know that.
Sarah: And she's probably not been in a conversation like this. Like had never worked with a coach and so she's used to people, if she tells this story, agreeing with her, you know.
So I didn't show her as powerfully as I could have what coaching can do and what she's capable of doing with it.
Amber: How is that related to the money piece?
Sarah: It's like I didn't go for the full 100%. So then I could be like, well, of course she didn't sign up because I didn't coach her hard enough.
Amber: Yes. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believed she wasn't ready for the work, so that when you didn't make the money, it was like, well, you know, make sense.
Sarah: So in my mind I'm like, why would I do that? Like the question that's coming up is like, what am I so afraid of? Of going all in and then having her say no when I go all in.
Amber: What does that mean about you? If you go all in and you still get a no.
Sarah: That I'll never figure this out, that I'm not cut out for like making all my dreams come true with this business.
Amber: Because of this one consult. Because of this one person, my dreams are ruined. I don't know. I think we're close, but I think there's something else.
Sarah: Tell me more.
Amber: Yeah, we can poke around a little bit. If you go back, 'cause I can tell you keep imagining her or you together on the call. Were you in person or was this a virtual?
Sarah: It was on Zoom.
Amber: So when you go back to that moment when you were like, she's going on and on and you know, bold you would say, hey, I'm gonna stop you for a second. And be the leader in the conversation. Something in you was afraid of her response to that.
And I don't think it was your thought “I'm not cut out for this.” I think it's just kind of almost like an everyday thought. Like I don't wanna make her uncomfortable. I don't think it's as deep and dark, I actually think it's a little sneakier.
Sarah: Yeah.
Amber: I just want her to feel good on the call.
Sarah: I just wanna validate her.
Amber: I want her to like me.
Sarah: There's probably some of that. Just like this fear of ruffling feathers or of rocking the boat.
Amber: What kind of people rock the boat in your mind?
Sarah: I mean, all that's coming up right now is all the ways that I do rock the boat. But it's like, I don't know if I'm seeing it differently, like this kind of rock in the boat is gonna make her mad.
Amber: In general, do you make people mad, Sarah?
Sarah: I mean, I know logically I don't, Coach Sarah knows I don't.
Amber: Other words that might be more true. Are you provocative? Like, do you provoke people into response? Because I perceive you as like a peacemaker, peacekeeper.
Sarah: Yeah. No, I don't like to poke the bear.
Amber: Keep it chill and calm. Especially in your personal life, probably. You're very loving and warm.
I think that everything has like a dark side, you know? The dark side of that is that sometimes we don't tell the truth to people. This is about you seeing her clearly. Or the way that you want to see her, can she handle the truth from you?
Sarah: So I just had like “A Few Good Men” moment there. You can't handle the truth!
Amber: You can't handle the truth!
Sarah: Yeah, when you say, I'm like, of course she can.
Amber: But in that moment, where you believing that?
Sarah: No, probably not.
Amber: You're believing the sugarcoating, kind, or nice.
Sarah: Yeah. And I think you're right, it was about me though. But I was like using her as the mask or whatever. It was about me not wanting to feel uncomfortable, like, with her discomfort over the tree.
Amber: Yeah. One thing I found true is when you're a coach and you put your client in a hot seat, like you can feel the temperature in the room 'cause it's like, whew. You are also in the hot seat at the same time. And so it's not just like making your client uncomfortable, like you feel uncomfortable while your client is uncomfortable.
And I think that's a good thing. It means you care. It means you're not just like sadist, trying to make people uncomfortable. But I think the more tolerant you are of your own discomfort, the more you're willing to put people into the discomfort. Which is what she needs, right?
Sarah: Yes. Okay, so how do I do that? Just recognize she's probably going to be uncomfortable during part of this and that that's not a problem.
Amber: And that you will be too, and that's not a problem either.
Sarah: Oh, what's like coming up is I'm like, but good coaches don't take that on. It's just like I couldn't see it because I didn't wanna believe that I couldn't be a good coach.
Amber: Interesting. Like good coaches don't get uncomfortable?
Sarah: Good coaches hold total neutral space and never have feelings at all.
Amber: Wow.
Sarah: I mean, I don't really believe that. But I think that's like the hum, you know? Like, oh, if I'm uncomfortable, it means I've dropped space and I'm a really good coach who holds space really well, so I'm not going to.
Amber: If you don't hold that neutral space, you're not a good coach. Like if you experience some discomfort or especially I think the overlap where like if they're feeling uncomfortable and you're feeling uncomfortable, something's gone wrong or like, this isn't good coaching anymore.
Sarah: Okay. Like recognizing that, I think I can drop that.
Amber: Because what does you feeling discomfort actually mean? Does it mean you've done something wrong?
Sara: It means I'm having a thought.
Amber: Oh, it means you're human. I think it's more important to be able to witness it going on during the call. Not to not feel it, just to notice, oh, sometimes I will say it, it makes me feel better in the moment. Like if I'm feeling like I feel this intensity too, this feels a little spicy for me to say. I'm gonna say it because I care enough about you. Like I would even just voice it. Doesn't mean that I've lost any rapport as a coach in this moment. I'm just sharing.
Sarah: No, I like that. Yeah, sorry, I'm like seeing parallels to all of the areas of my life too.
Okay, so, it's okay if I'm uncomfortable, I can just witness it. It's okay if she's uncomfortable
and like I'm somehow protecting myself from like, not going all in is like a little bit safer somehow.
Amber: I'm sure you're familiar with Byron Katie's work. So let's play a little bit with her questions, like, if not going all in is safer for you, is not going all in safer for your client?
Sarah: No.
Amber: It's exactly why she can't get the results that she wants.
Sarah: Okay. Tell me more about that. I'm like, wait, what?
Amber: If she's not going all in to become the cause of her relationships which is what you help people do. Cause the sob story that you said she shared, right? If she went all in and was coachable, ready to like, I will do whatever it takes to resolve, even if that means getting uncomfortable, doing the hard work, taking accountability and radical ownership of my role.
Not seeing myself as the victim, which is what you would help her do in coaching. But I don't know if you saw her ready to go all in.
Sarah: I didn't. Okay, so what's coming up? I'm like, so I always see people as ready to go all in. That seems not right. Like if I'm just open and curious in a consult, there might be times where I'm like, oh, they might not be ready. And how do I distinguish that from me, like using them as to protect myself versus them actually. Or is it always good to see them as a, like she signed up, she wanted to know more. Maybe they're always ready if they sign up. It's not my decision to say it.
Amber: It's not your decision. It is a co-creation though. I see consults as like, we're not trying to control their readiness. But we are here to challenge their readiness. 'Cause sometimes they think they're not ready, but they are. We’re not responsible for knowing what the answer is. We're trying to help our client know the answer.
Sarah: Okay. Can we talk a little bit more about challenging their readiness? What does that look like?
Amber: I think it can go both ways. Sometimes a client is ready, but they have fear. And so by just questioning, you can get closer to the truth. And sometimes, like Rich Litvin teaches to challenge people's yes. I do that. I recommend doing that because sometimes you're like, let's do this. And it's like, whoa. Like let's slow down because this is a commitment. Are you truly ready? Is this something you're committed to? Not just sounds good in the moment.
Sarah: What's coming up for me is like that's totally me detaching myself. I like want that, and it kind of seems like so far away.
Amber: The detachment?
Sarah: Yes. Is that where peer potentiality comes in? I'm just like it's happening. It is totally happening and it's even better than I imagined.
Amber: Yes. I think it's harder to believe in pure potentiality on a consult when you're looking at someone who you'd love to work with. But you slip in to that predictability, that control 'cause you see the person. You can feel it. And I think the best thing we can do is stay in the pure potentiality. It might be her and it might not. And that's okay.
Sarah: That what it sounds like in my head, like it might be her, it might not.
Amber: It still might not, and that's okay. And like, I like to just be really honest with myself. Like, would I really like it to be her? Yeah. And I don't need it to be her. You stay open to the possibilities, the potentialities that you might know, but might not know. She just happens to be known. So it's easy to believe that she's the one, 'cause you see her, you feel her, you can talk to her, but then you block that realm of potentiality 'cause you're looking at something. Does that make sense?
Sarah: Yeah. I'm like thinking about it in like a dating analogy and it makes so much sense to me. It’s like, yeah, I like this. I mean, I'm married now, but I'm thinking, yeah, like this guy, like he could be the one. But if it is not, then there's someone who's even more perfect for me.
Amber: I'm fine.
Sarah: But if you grasp onto like, no, he's the one, then you turn all creepy.
Amber: And you block everyone that might be the one. I always like to say it's this or something better.
Sarah: So it's total faith in the like, yeah, it's happening.
Amber: Yeah. Because think about the alternative. If it's not happening and all your business success hinges on this one conversation, that's a lot of pressure to put on the person on the other side of the zoom room. I never want my people to feel like that. Even subconsciously, I don't wanna speak to someone like that. And I know you don't either. I know you want to love and give people an opportunity to say yes.
I think the secret is like you powerfully make that conversation happen, right? Where it's like, listen, this is what you told me. I know coaching can help you. And she's like, I know coaching can help me too, but I'm so afraid. You're like, yeah, because I'm moving you out of what's comfortable. Because what's comfortable is keeping you in this loop, we have to get you out of this loop. That's what coaching does.
And the commitment, the energy required is gonna be a lot, which is why that's what I do. This is why my container looks this way. This is why I charge what I charge. Everything starts to make sense. Even from like a physics standpoint, like inertia.
It's so hard to stop doing what you're doing. It's gonna take almost like this explosion of new opportunity and energy, which is what your container offers. She can say yes or she can say no. You don't need her to say yes, but you're powerfully inviting her to because you see what's possible. And if she says no, you're on to the next.
Sarah: And what she's doing now is actually, while it's hard to change, it's like so much harder to stay where she is. It's like so painful.
Amber: How did the consult end?
Sarah: She was gonna think about it. And then she emailed me and said, like she was really honest, she's like, I just wasn't planning on spending that much money. Which then I was like, well, I just gotta make my prices more available, so they know beforehand. I think I missed the opportunity, like in thinking that way. I'm glad we're talking about it now, to like, actually, okay, let's just see where I stopped seeing her in her power, you know?
Amber: Yes. Did you talk about the price on the call? What did she say?
Sarah: She said “Oh, I'm gonna have to think about that because I,” you know, she named a couple of things that she had to pay for and then she went to like do just one session. And I explained why I didn't. And then she said, can I have a day or something to think about it or whatever.
And I think, in that moment I could have coached her more around it and I didn't. And it was the same thing going on in my head that we've already talked about, maybe she's not ready.
It was like, I believe in the tools. And I believe that it was my belief in her because I believed that the tools could help even in her situation. But I was like, but only if she's willing. Now I feel like in my head, I'm like putting so much pressure on myself. I'm like, I missed the opportunity to help this woman change her relationship forever. That's not a very positive thought.
Amber: That's not helpful, and you don't even know if that's true or not.
Sarah: Oh, I so don't know that's true.
Amber: For all you know… because like we're analyzing and coaching through this stuff on your end. We have no idea actually how she interpreted it or what was meaningful or not to her. The only useful thing in my opinion about the past is I got what I needed to move forward. Why would you think anything else?
Even this conversation now, or how you're gonna use this intelligence to move forward to serve more powerfully, like you did get what you needed. It was fruitful for you. Maybe not in the way that you had hoped, but still net positive.
Sarah: I got what I needed. And you believe that about your clients too. They got what they needed.
Amber: I always believe that.
Sarah: Yeah. When I drop into that, I feel so much different. Now I can see that, like as I'm looking back on it, I'm like, her relationship actually isn't gonna be the same ever because of that one call. I believe that. And if she ever wants more, she can come back.
Amber: Yes. I like to think of no’s as the no for now, which is right from the Prosperous Coach book. Because you don't know what door you opened having that conversation with her. It might be that she's ready to work with you, but it also just might be her realizing there's a lot of possibilities that she hadn't considered yet.
Sarah: No, I love that. That feels so expansive too.
Amber: This is how I see consults, over time now. In general, it's like either we're gonna start working together and I will do the coaching magic that I know how to do together. But sometimes, especially like when it's a no or it's someone that like, how we kind of looked at was going on for you, they helped me become the kind of coach that's gonna help the people in the future.
Sarah: I love that.
Amber: It's a co-creation that goes both ways, you know? And I know this isn't your first consult. But you get to collect this information. Because everything is progress, right? So like, this isn't a failure at all. It's like it's helping you become the coach that you wanna be.
Sarah: Oh, I love looking at it that way. Yeah, that feels so, like symbiotic.
Amber: Which it is. All relationships are, even ones where we're getting paid. It goes both ways.
Sarah: Oh, that's good. That's really good. Yeah. That alone is like such a shift for me. Like if you had asked me do I believe that, I would've said yes, but I wasn't actually thinking about it that way. I was like, well, still haven't figured this out.
Amber: Just harsh judgment of yourself. So quick to move to that. It's interesting, but now you get to choose something different.
Sarah: This was good, Amber.
Amber: Awesome.
Sarah: Thank you.
Amber: Yeah, thanks for being willing to be coached live. That was so fun.
Sarah: Of course.
Amber: Cool, thanks Sarah.
Sarah: Absolutely.
